The AWP and ME!

As I sit here 4 and a half years later and think about putting down in words what the AWP means to me, I instantly have a smile on my face.  There really are no words to describe what Taryn and the group of the most amazing women mean to me.  These women are strong, independent, loving, sweet, caring and above all supportive and understanding. This is the story of my journey with the AWP.

I was told about the AWP from another widster who had just found the group herself. There was a group of us looking for a group that was specifically for younger widows of our generation and war.  I had been a part of another widow group that was founded  a very long time ago, and although they do amazing work with our benefits and legislation, that was not what I was looking for. So I went on the Americanwidowproject.org web page and sat there quietly looking through all the stories and with my heart heavy and tears pouring down my face, I decided to add my story as well. As I sat there typing the words that flowed from my finger tips, the words and realities that made my life come to a screeching halt I knew in my heart I had found an amazing group of ladies that would understand this journey better than anyone in my life could. I was so excited, thrilled to be a part of women that were like me.

A few weeks after I joined the group I got a friend request from a LaNita Herlem on my Myspace page. I opened the request and there she was my first connection to the AWP. She had written that her husband Bryant had died in 2006, by and IED in Iraq. She wrote that she had been married the same amount of years, that they had been together the same amount, that we were close in age, both been at Ft. Hood the same time frame; and at that moment something clicked in me and I was so over joyed because I knew for no reason at all that I had finally found the right group. I added her as quickly as I could and posted on her page. We posted back and for for what seemed like days into weeks. We shared it all. Our before life and after life, our love for our heroes, the time with them, the silly little quirks, what we missed, what we longed for, our hopes, our dreams and all that was shattered with just one ring of a doorbell.  I had met other widsters before LaNita that I love and adore to no end, they are my life, my heart and my family; but there was just something about LaNita that clicked and made me feel like I was finally where I was meant to be.

After I posted my blog on the AWP site, Taryn, the founder; befriended me on Myspace as well. I soon added her and we started to chat. Finding out that she has just lost Michael and was strong enough to start such an amazing group, well...floored me.  I was so taken by her and all she had done in such a short time. We exchanged phone number and the calls came every few days. Again I had found another amazing connection. This young widow only 22, so determined to make a difference and a "home" for today's generation of war widows was now a part of my life, my family. Taryn asked me shortly after that if I would like to be a part of the DVD she was making for the AWP. She told me it was for new widows that needed to know they were not alone. They would be sent out to them along with an invite to the group. The best thing is we don't pay dues to be in the AWP, we did that the day we heard the doorbell ring. I was so excited but wondered what on earth would she want with me?

Taryn and her one man camera crew Don, came to my house that March. I was so excited but man was I nervous. Don set up his camera equipment and started to follow the boys around the house.  He filmed them playing, he filmed them, eating, helping make dinner, colouring and even filled them being taught how to put on makeup by Taryn. We went to release balloons in honor of Daddy, Don was not far behind. That weekend was spent sharing stories with Taryn and Don and soon to be a nation of widows.  With each question Taryn asked, my heart would skip a beat as I tried to put into words how I felt about Chris, our life together, his loss, the boys, my hopes and dreams and all that surrounded what was now my new life and journey.  It was not easy but I bit my bottom lip and added the "Deb flare" to the interview. I told story after story as my mind flooded with memories of our life together. It was an amazing weekend. When we were not filming we were chatting up a storm, drinking beers and laughing our asses off.  Taryn had her camera too and walked around the house taking some amazing pictures. The one of Owie in my "Beer" hat with the "My Mom Rules" T-shirt on was a still Don took while here.  The weekend was one I will never forget!

August of that year Taryn called and said they were having a premier party in Austin for the movie. WOW! How cool is that? So I scrambled to find someone to take the boys that weekend and I headed down. How awesome to be a part of all this.  The first day there we all went together for me to get my Supergirl tattoo. After a long four hour sitting I had a full colour and very vivid tattoo on my back that represented how I felt I was at that point and still today. But I digress, since Ill blog about that at a later date.  The rest of the time I was in Harker Heights creating the cake for the premier.

FINALLY the day was here! The premier of the DVD that was a labor of love for Taryn and Don. I was elated. How fun was this going to be? I had never been around another widow before Taryn and I had never been in a room with so many at one time. The energy in that movie theater was electric! You could have lit a whole city with the vibe of energy we were putting off. We all ordered our food, pitcher of beer and sat down. I was surrounded by amazing women, I had Jen Funkhouser and LaNita Herlem right there by my side. Karey, who is not a widster but my best friend was there with me. The movie started and we all took a deep breath. Heeeere weeee goooo....

The movie began and the stories started to flow from these amazing women. Six of us all together, each at a different stage and time in our journeys. I, of course was the oldest in age and furthest along in the group. I was sharing what 2 yrs and beyond was like for me. How far I had come, how amazing life was, how much I missed Chris and all that I was doing in my life. There were stories of quick marriages, long time loves, no kids and kids, college, stories of despair and hope and of course the laughter, funny comments and sarcasm....added by yours truly!   The movie was filled with memories, pictures and stories of lives lived and lost, love that would never end and a journey that we all found ourselves on and didn't want. This was a group of amazing ladies, not just in the film but those all round me that filled that theatre, the women that came from all over America in all different stages of grief and journey to be together as one family.  These women were my WIDSTERS...my FAMILY!

Since that summer, I have been so lucky to meet and be a part of so many Widster's lives. I have been able to help and comfort and honor those who are in my life and their heroes. I have since finished my first book that was published that same year and that too has helped so many. The AWP is where I first found a home and a place to be happy, content and feel NORMAL for the first time in 2 yrs. That continues today and although I am not as involved as I use to be, I love all the Wisters in the AWP and would do anything for them.

AWP Event Austin Blog Entry in 2008

This entry is a mile stone entry! I was interviewed for a DVD to be handed out to the “New” widows. It is an amazing project to be involved in. I have met so many incredible women that range from 21 to 41. Some of their husbands were killed in the war, some were murdered, some committed suicide, and some were sick and died after they got home. We are all facing a life without them and a life that we had not planned on!



I was able to share my story and my feelings though this DVD. At the premiere for it, I was able to meet all these women. We all laughed, cried, jokes around, drank and had a time that would otherwise never have happened! I have some incredible new friends and I am very lucky to say that.


I think about other war widows from previous wars and how awful it must have been to have their husbands looked upon as bad people, or not seen as a hero. These widows were all alone and did what was expected of them. They remarried in order to have the stability to raise their children and live a life that was considered acceptable back then. They married family members, usually the brother of their husband. To me that just seems so odd. They did not talk about the loss, what it meant and most of the children knew nothing about their fathers.


Wow ! How times have changed! Below is a blog I posted on Myspace. It explains about the weekend and how I felt about it all. I really did enjoy my visit and meeting all those wonderful women! They give me strength everyday!

I spent this past weekend in Austin, Texas! I was there along with around thirty other widows for a premiere of a DVD created to help "new" widows sort through and face the worst possible change life can offer. . . .the death of a spouse. There I shared my thoughts and memories with other widows. We all told "our" stories and shared our frustrations and anger about what had been handed to us. And although that is the most important thing we can do for each other, there was so much more to be offered.


There was an instant bond between us. They are the only other women that "know" what I am going through. They all can feel the pain and the joys that all this bring along in the journey. I felt as though I had known these girls for my whole life. They are all sisters to me, family and women that I would do ANYTHING for. There are not many "groups" that can say they have that among their members. And although we all have lost a spouse, the love of our lives, the one person we need the most, we all have our very own and different stories. The stories are amazing, they are heartfelt and will bring you to your knees within minutes of hearing them. But these stories are also what we all have in common, these stories are what make us who we are, they are part of our journey now, and as much as we hate it; these stories...our stories and sharing them is what makes us stronger and healthier.


Not all of us lost our husband to the war, but all of us ARE military widows and all of us ARE feeling and going through the same emotions. The tears are healing, the laughter is comforting, and the "I know what you mean" looks almost make you feel safe. As much as I hate it, knowing I am not alone has been the biggest saving grace for me. Knowing the feelings, thoughts and irrational behavior is "normal" and within my rights as a widow....has been what makes my days livable! When everyone else in your life is telling you to "get over it", "move on", or "its been two years what is wrong with you?", there are these women who tell you to ignore them and take your time, one day at a time and that is what is needed. Those who are going through it helping others going through it.


The DVD was amazing! There were about six of us who did the interviews for the DVD, yes me included. I know, who on earth would put Deb on a DVD, but they did! I was for lack of a better way to put it "the comic relief" and I am happy to be that! I gave the two year out perspective on being a widow. We were all at different stages in the game and I was the furthest out. The other women were incredible! Its harder to share those first days after you are notified, those last memories together, all the lost hopes and dreams, the days following, the funeral, the months that never seemed to end, the first year anniversaries, the birthdays, the holidays....all of it. Unless you are in the same ocean as us, you cant even begin to understand what our lives are like. Losing a parent, as an adult is sad; however losing someone who you were sharing every day with, every moment of life, every dream , every hope and every disappointment, well there is just no comparison. Any loss is sad but really, comparing your cat or dog to my husband and the father of my kids, well that will only get you a nasty look, tongue lashing or a broken nose! I have had more people tell me how they understand how I'm feeling b/c they lost their pet last year, wonder if they know how stupid that really sounds? I'm guessing not!


The most rewarding part of the weekend for me, besides meeting the most incredible bunch of girls, and hearing all the stories; was being told that what I said made such a difference. That seeing me laugh and in a place to joke around about it was a comfort to them. There were a few that were "new" widows, four months out and I got the biggest hugs from them! They told me I gave them hope and that all the women on there are so strong and confident in where they are. All I can say, is....its a mask for most of us most of the time. We are strong when we need to be, but the most important thing to know is.....its okay to be "weak", b/c being "weak" is what makes you strong! If you never let yourself cry or really feel the pain, you will never more beyond it. You will be stuck with it for life and that is not what any of our husbands ever wanted for us. Show him how amazing you are by going through the emotions, the pain and coming out the other end, better and mostly stronger for it all. The bottom line is, its okay to cry, its okay to be mad, you hate him for a while, its all a part of the journey! Feel it, breathe it, take it all in and then when you are ready decide what you will do with all that.


This weekend was meant to do exactly what it did do. Bring us all together, share our stories, have some fun, laugh, cry and show those who are just beginning, in the middle or further down the road that we can all do it and we all ARE! We are all here for each other and I could not be more lucky than to have each and every one of those girls in my life!


If I cant have Chris by my side, then my AWP girls are who I chose to have!


Thank you Taryn for creating an amazing group for us to all be a part of and feel as we are family members to. You are wonderful and I adore you!


LaNita, as always girl, you crack my ass up! Thank you for being such a wonderful friend! I love ya girl!


Jennifer, thank you for coming, I loved seeing you! I have missed you! I hope you will join the group of crazies that I adore so much!


Tara, Windy, Angel, Beth, Jocelyn, Natalie, G, Chilla, Natasha and ALL OF YOU, thank you for being so amazing! Thank you for your friendship and support! Y'ALL ROCK!!!!!!


Karey, thank you for the cake, the cookies, the love, the support, you are my sister by heart! I love you and will see you soon!

The picture above is the cake Karey and I made together for the premier!  :)

The History of Memorial Day

An article from www.military.com

http://www.military.com/memorial-day/?ESRC=army-a.nl

*****************

Three years after the Civil War ended, on May 5, 1868, the head of an organization of Union veterans — the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) — established Decoration Day as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the war dead with flowers. Maj. Gen. John A. Logan declared that Decoration Day should be observed on May 30. It is believed that date was chosen because flowers would be in bloom all over the country.

The first large observance was held that year at Arlington National Cemetery, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C.

The ceremonies centered around the mourning-draped veranda of the Arlington mansion, once the home of Gen. Robert E. Lee. Various Washington officials, including Gen. and Mrs. Ulysses S. Grant, presided over the ceremonies. After speeches, children from the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Orphan Home and members of the GAR made their way through the cemetery, strewing flowers on both Union and Confederate graves, reciting prayers and singing hymns.

Memorial Day at Arlington and a Lack of Manners

The following excerpt was written a few days after Memorial Day 2008.
LaNita

************************** 

One of the widows I am friends with recently shared an experience she had. Her husband is buried at Arlington. She does not live near there, so when she decided to go to Washington, DC for Memorial Day, it was an opportunity for her to "sit" with her husband and spend time wrapped in her memories. Personally, I can think of no better way to honor our loved ones who are passed. So she set out with her blanket and i-pod to spend a quiet day alone. Unfortunately, we do not live in a very considerate society. Instead of finding a peaceful moment with her memories, she became a "tourist attraction". She said that she sat on her blanket, ear plugs in, eyes closed and still people felt the need to stop and ask her questions the whole time she was there.

At the end of the weekend and before leaving for home, she went back to spend a few more moments at his gravesite. As she sat there on the ground, head down crying, she heard a click and looked up to see a lady next to her, taking her picture. The lady walked around her husband's grave, knelt down and started asking questions and then took another picture. WTF?!!

My friend mentioned also that she recognized a Gold Star father whose son was buried near her husband and went over to talk with him. The father was talking to someone who ended up being a reporter looking to do interviews with the families there. Needless to say, my friend found very little peace while she was there.

While I do applaud people who care enough to go to Arlington on Memorial Day since that is what the day is all about, it amazes me that people have the gall to interrupt a family while they are visiting their loved one's grave! How inconsiderate and selfish can people be?! Since I am one of those people who sees a soldier in the airport and feels a strong need to say thanks and shake their hand, I understand wanting to express your gratefulness, but NOT in a graveyard!!! As for taking pictures of family members during such a private moment as if they are a tourist attraction, well that is not too far off the mark of people who feel the need to protest at a soldier's funeral. It just goes beyond the pale!

For those wondering, Arlington only allows reporters to do interviews like that on Memorial Day weekend. I wonder why they even allow it then.

There have been moments when I think that Bryant deserves the prestige and honor of being at Arlington, but after hearing my friend's story, I am very happy that Bryant's ashes sit in our living room...

Who Pissed in My Lucky Charms?

This was written June 1, 2008.  If you know a widow and she is just a little bit aggravated this time of the year... give her just a little slack.  Trust me.  She's allowed.
LaNita
******************

May is finally over. THANK YOU GOD! For obvious reasons, April and May are NOT my favorite months at all. Too many bad memories and too many bad reminders. I have to say that this year was very hard. I would have thought that it would get easier with time, but I am feeling as if this one was the worst. Maybe it is because I am in the moment. I just know that what I have been feeling over the past 6 weeks sucks. It has built up and just gotten worse.

I am on a yahoo surviving spouse group and there was a lot going on with discussion this past week. Typically, I am one of the women that chimes in often (have I mentioned that I am opinionated). I replied to a lot of the discussion this week but never sent them because my replies were very negative and very pissy. You know it is bad when even you know you are being pissy for no reason! Needless to say I have been quite the anti-social, stop aggravating me, bitch the past few days.

I hope I can get through this funk I am in. I don't know if I have finally hit the anger stage of grief or if I am just dreading the fact that our unit leaves in less than 2 weeks. Yes... for Iraq. (happyhappyjoyjoy). Something is just different with me and I feel very lost. Not the sad sort of lost that I have been feeling since Bryant's death, but the sort of lost where I feel I no longer control my life. My house looks like a tornado hit it and I am so uncomfortable here. I have become very good at not "seeing" the messes and going through the motions. The things that have to be done, I force myself to do. The only time I really seem to feel anything is when I let myself cry. I am not interested in anything.

The problem is that I hate being this way. I want the old me back. I want to be organized and anal. I want to have a future that I look forward to and not constantly compare what I do have to what I did because compared to what I had with Bryant, my future will always fall short of happy. I want normal. I want to walk through my house, see something I forgot to do and just do it, not walk through my house a week later and still be saying, "I forgot to do that" again. I want a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want to look outside and say, "It is going to be a beautiful day", but I can't. I look out my window now... the sun's out, my yard is mowed and there is even a NASCAR race today, but it is just another day that I have to live through.
School starts in another week. I am actually dreading it, but it is another thing I have to do. I have to, right? (sigh). Can I just run away? Start over somewhere else? Not be me anymore? No. No one can run from who they are. This is who I am... a woman who lost everything when she lost her husband.

I can't change that and I will never ever see Bryant again. I can't begin to even explain what that is. You can take everything out of my life... my house, all my possessions, even my dogs and I can still live. I'll hurt, but I'll get by. I'll get over it. I'll move on and forget. NOT WITH BRYANT. I don't know how to do this without him. I don't want to do this without him. But I will. People see that as strength. I see it as punishment and I just wish I knew what I did that was so bad that this happened to me.

For those who say that capital punishment is wrong, I personally think it is much more humane that a life sentence...

The First Memorial Day

This was written May 27, 2007... 13 months after Bryant's death.  It was my first Memorial Day without him.  

LaNita

*****************************

Babe...
It was not an easy weekend for me. NOT that any day without you has been easy. But this was different. Instead of the constant reminders of all the great stuff about you, this weekend was about remembering your death and your funeral. And to think I used to love hearing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes! I don't want to remember that stuff...

All the rain and the storms seemed to fit my mood though. I am not sure that having a cookout and all the "typical" Memorial Day activities apply anymore. I always knew what it was all about, especially since Grandpa died on Memorial Day, but it was hard to get a real feel for it when he was a WWI vet and was able to live a long life. I know that it is a "holiday" and do not expect people to know or understand... HELL! Most people in this country do not know to put their hand over their heart during The National Anthem! So, why would I expect anyone to understand this! So, even though it made for a lousy holiday weekend, I am glad it rained.

You know, so often people will "thank me" for my "sacrifice". I know that they have only good intentions when they say it, but I always feel uncomfortable hearing it. I really don't want thanks for your death. The Lord Above KNOWS that I would take you back in a heartbeat and since I know that I would give everything I have to get you back, it is an undeserved thanks. I don't want anyone to thank me for something I hate! Just something I needed to say...

Oh Bry... you know I miss you and I know that you have been with me through every tear, every sleepless night, every lost moment. I certainly do not need a holiday to remind me of what I have lost.

May GOD keep you and all our service men and women who we have lost close to his heart EVERY day and not just for a weekend in May.

Happy Memorial Day????

I wrote this blog two years ago and find that it still applies every year to so many.  Please take the time to really think about what Memorial Day really means....

Every year at this time I fight with the idea that people tell me "Happy Memorial Day". People that know me, know what Ive gone through... still say it to me. Family still says it. For the rest who say it, do you think that there is anything "happy" at all about remembering all those who have died for this country? I blog about this every year and I dont think there will ever be a year that I dont. When I hear those three words my skin crawls.




"Happy Memorial Day"...it seems to just flow of the tongues of those around us. As though Memorial Day is just any other "holiday" to be celebrated with joy and happiness. When someone says "Hey Happy Memorial Day" what exactly are they so "happy" about? Maybe its the extra 20% or 30% they will get off beach towels at Macys, or maybe its the fact that they are off work, cooking out and not paying any attention to why they are really off work. Do these "happy" people take any time during their day off to share a moment thinking of those who paid the ultimate price for them to be off work and cooking out, or shopping "the big sale"??


Do people take the time to teach and show their children the importance of Memorial Day? Do they take them to a National Cemetery and show them all the lives that have been lost, tell them what that means for those who are still alive? Do they educate their children to show respect to those who have fallen for all the freedoms we take for granted every damn day? Do they just take a moment, a simple moment in their day to show that they care, or understand what the day is about?


My first Memorial Day I was not willing to admit that it had anything to do with Chris. We had always gone and placed flags at grave sites on this day. My first Memorial Day I did the same thing with Oliver and Owen in tow. But on that first one, there were more deaths. A CPT Alex Funkhouser was killed while in the line of duty not only to his country but to US reporters in Iraq. I knew that all that I had been feeling since January 5, his wife would now feel too. My heart broke for I knew every Memorial Day she would have a double heart wrenching reminder of her husband's death. I knew that she would face Memorial Day and the 29th of May, double days for her. Little did I know that this wife, now a new widow like me would become one of my best friends. Little did I know that she had two girls close to my two boy's age. Little did I know that our lives ran in such a parallel manner.


My second Memorial Day I took the boys and we went to Virginia to see Chris' mom. I wanted to spend this Memorial Day with Chris at Arlington. I wanted the boys to see that they were not only, not alone; but that they could still be near their father. As that day went on there were more cameras taking pictures of them by the Chris' grave.(One made it to the front page of the Washington Post the next day) There were families that just stood there, paying their respects and as the tears flowed down their cheeks they watched Oliver fix a flag by Chris' grave. They watched Owen pluck the heads of the flowers there and they watched a mother with tears in her eyes as she realized this was her reality, this was her life. Watching her two boys "play" with or by their father...the only way they ever would be able to.


As I looked around and saw their faces, their tears and their heads shaking back and forth; I realized that yes there are those out there that dont say "Happy Memorial Day", they come to Arlington to pay their respects to OUR fallen. They come to be with those who have paid the ultimate and spend time with their families. There was a father there, in uniform and beside him was his little son in BDUs. They stood at attention as TAPS played. I was so taken by this that I asked him why he does this with his son and he said "death is a part of life, death for your country is going beyond what life can offer" "I want my son to realize what this day is for. Not just a day off school or work, I want him to understand and respect the magnitude of what and who and why we have set this day aside to honor and remember those who have died in combat". I burst into tears, gave him a big hug and as I let go of him he and his son saluted the boys and I and then went to salute Chris. (Gosh I have tears running down my face typing this) I have never seen the true meaning in any one person's eyes of what Memeorial Day means to them then that of those eyes that day.


So I ask that if you dont know anyone who has been affected by a war death, to please at least teach your children what Memorial Day is for. Take them to a National Cemetary and place a few flags, go on and google Memorial Day, teach them about what this day means. This is just a small thing to do, teach your kids what this country is about, teach them why we need to stand up for it, love it, and protect it. That is the BEST way to honor our fallen, those who faught and died for what they beleived in. For those familieas that struggle everyday without their loved one, this is a small gesture for them too. It tells us that our loved one, did not die in vein. If you do know someone who has lost someone to a war, this one or any previous, please take the time to just tell them you are thinking about them, you are greatful and love them. But please dont say "Happy Memorial Day" to them...for us there is nothing "happy" about it.


To all my widsters that might read this, know that on Memorial Day, your Anniversaries and every day of the year, I think of OUR HEROES! I think about your families, your pain, your hearts your children and your happiness. For those who have lost a family member to previous wars, my heart and my thoughts are always with you too. Thank you for your loved ones service to our great nation, I am forever in their debt for their sacrafice.


May this Memorial Day bring you comfort in knowing that our Great Nation aknowledges and says "Thank You" for the sacrafice OURS and THEIR HEROES have made for us and them!


May we raise a glass to OUR HEROES! We love you...We miss you...We are proud of you....We are forever YOURS!