A Letter to Our Friends (Written the Day Bryant Died)

Dear Friends.
Today has been a very hard day for me. Last night, April 28, Bryant's group was hit by an IED (basically a homemade bomb). I had to say goodbye to Bryant today and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. If you know us, then you know that he is my everything and I was his. I can only remind myself of how very blessed I am to have experienced a love so deep and so very complete. It is truly a love that is blessed by God. I am the luckiest person in the world to have shared his life and even after 16 years together, he still takes my breath away.

If you knew Bryant, please remember the laughter and joy. Please do not criticize the war. If we were to pull out then Bryant's death would be for nothing. And you know that Bryant was the type of man that needed to know he was making a difference. He was not a political person, just a regular guy that was proud to do his duty and very proud to wear the uniform. Please celebrate his life with me. It is what he would have wanted...laughter and lots of love.

I am told that I am in shock and denial (1st phase of grief). I can only say that I did not know you could actually feel physical pain when your heart truly breaks. And while I do not at this time know how I will get through this, I simply know that I will because Bryant wants me to and God's love will carry me through. To be honest I do not think I have ever felt closer to God than I do right now, but then I have never needed him more. Please pray for me as a struggle to find my way. It is going to be slow and painful, but I want Bryant to look down from heaven and be proud of me.

Bryant was not the only soldier lost today, so please, in your prayers, remember all of the soldiers, airmen, sailors, marines and civilians that are in Iraq. Also say a prayer for the military families and especially the other family that lost their soldier today. I love you all.

LaNita Herlem. Proud Wife of SSG Bryant A. Herlem

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Introducing the Other Half... (LaNita L. Herlem)

The other half of this duo would be ME! I am LaNita and outside of my name being spelled with a capital "N", I am not too particular.  I will answer to anything sounding reasonably close to it!  I am the Proud Widow of SFC Bryant A. Herlem and the very proud mommy of two adorable fur babies... my Chihuahua Belly-Bud and my Pomeranian Foxie-Jean. 

As for my background, I was raised in a small town located in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains called Bassett, Virginia.  Unlike Deb, I am from "western" Virginia!  South-Western to be exact!  Bassett is known for its wood furniture and the biggest claim to fame for that area is the Martinsville Speedway.  I spent the first 18 years of my life there before moving to the metropolis of Buies Creek, NC as a freshman at Campbell University.  After my freshman year, I dropped out and eventually ended up in the office of an army recruiter (the 3rd best decision I ever made in my life).  Within a year of going into the army I met Bryant.  We literally had a whirlwind romance and were married on January 20, 1990 (that would be the BEST decision I ever made! ;).

Not quite a year after we were married, I received a medical discharge and became a military wife while working at a variety of jobs, usually clerical.  Bryant decided to get out in 1992.  He served out his IRR with the Virginia National Guard and then joined the Army Reserves. After 5 years, he returned to active duty.  In January 1998, we packed up our bags and moved to Fort Hood, TX.  Prior to our move, Bry and I were living in separate households, everything but divorced.  When he got his orders, he asked me to start over with him and I did (tied for the best decision I ever made).  The next 8 years were AMAZING and I could not have asked for anything more... but we'll save those years for the show!

Bryant and his gunner, SGT Jose Gomez, were killed by an IED in Baghdad, Iraq, on April 28, 2006.  On that day, my life as I knew it ended with Bryant's.  The next morning I woke up to a new reality... life as a military widow.  One of the first things I did was what I know Bryant wanted... and on what would have been his 39th birthday, August 6, 2007, I walked across a stage in a cap and gown to receive my Bachelor's Degree in History. Two years later, I received my Master's Degree. I know Bryant is very proud of me.  It has been almost 4 long years, most of it shrouded with pain.  I have learned harsh lessons, survived more than I believed possible, and (yes) been blessed more than I think I deserve.

After (pretty much) 11 years at Ft. Hood, I moved to Kannapolis, North Carolina and am now building a life for myself here. It is new and exciting, but as all widows know, tinged in sadness and what it might have been.  But I continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

I look forward to sharing my journey and what it means to me to be a "Real Widow..." with you!         

The letter to my Sons (My Journal) I have not changed a word...

Today was the longest day of my life. Where do you begin and how do I explain to you my darling sons, my feelings?


I was on the phone with a wife of one of your Daddy’s soldiers. She had read a blurb on the internet about some soldiers who were hit by an IED. Nothing more was stated, it was a one liner on an obscure site she found. While I was on the phone I went to see what she had found and for some reason as I read that one liner, I knew it was Daddy. I don’t know how but I just did. She was asking me if I knew any details on the incident in Iraq. Since I don’t watch the news and had not been on any news sites, I told her no. I told her I would find out what I could for her and call her back.


I called our Commander’s wife and left her a message….


I then called Aunt Kitty back and was telling her about the phone call. I told her that this wife was a little nuts and worried about the silliest things. I also told Kitty that while reading the blurb my heart sank and I just knew it was Daddy. I knew he was on a convoy at that time of day and where he was headed. Kitty told me not to worry, that Daddy was fine and I was just feeding into the wife’s worries. But I had also woken up for no reason at about the same time last night as this would have happened. She changed the subject and started talking about some kid who was knocking on the doors and asking odd questions. He wanted to know what Daddy did for a living, so I was not about to answer the door. And Kitty had called to tell me not to since it was some kid. But I could not shake the feeling that it was your Daddy in that news blurb on the internet and I was only half listening to Kitty. We were chatting and about fifteen minutes later, the knocking was at my door. I ignored it, it was that annoying kid and I was not going to answer the door.


The knocking got louder and more intense. I finally got up to see what was going on. Oliver, you ran to the door and wanted to open it and I quickly told you to come back to me and not got to the door. You were not happy but stayed with me in my room.


The knocks got louder and harder on the door and all I could think was, “damn kid go away!” I walked with phone in hand to the dining room where I looked at the front door. There in the glass panes of the door stood a very tall figure. The dark shadow of his body covered the one side of the glass in the door, and as I stood there looking and trying to figure out what or who it was, another shadow of an equally tall man came into sight. Even though there was frosted glass in our front door, I saw the gold buttons shinning and I knew….I said to Kitty, “Oh my god there are two of them, I’ve gotta go!”


I hung up the phone and went to the door. As I moved through the living room I felt as though I was in slow motion. My heart was in my stomach and my throat was tight and clinched in fear. I opened the door and saw them standing there. My heart sank and my hands began to sweat! There stood two men in Class A’s, I knew before I opened the door but that just confirmed it for me, the feelings I had all morning were all confirmed in that one movement of me opening the door. They asked if I was Mrs. Deborah Petty wife of CPT Christopher Petty stationed at Ft. Hood, 4ID, 3-16, HHB Commander and all I heard was your Daddy’s name. I stood there calmly and with that they asked if I knew why they were there, me being me said, “to pick up my laundry, right?” They gave me a look of complete disbelief and I said yes I know why you are here and they proceeded to tell me.


The worst bunch of words in the English language just flowed out of their mouths and as they stood there ridgid but softened by the news they were about to give me, I could hear myself saying it in my head….”Mrs. Petty, on behalf on the United States Army and our Commander and Chief, we regretfully inform you of the death of your husband, CPT Christopher Paul Petty…” There is was out in the open! All I could think was, “no they did not just say that this is a dream a movie….something because it cant be real” But yet there is was those nasty words hanging in the air over my heard making me feel as though a ten ton truck was weighing down on my head. The image was clear to me as you hung on my leg, your Daddy was gone! And even though I said it in my head, it was not real! They were just words! The words made my heart heavy and sink further to my feet, the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I asked them in and just moved in slow motion to the couch where I sat and was in shock, what the hell just happened? Not this is not real, he is suppose to come home, we are suppose to grow old, we are suppose to be together forever!! We just had a new son for god’s sake, who would take him from that! My brain was screaming but outside I was calm and collected. So much that they asked me if I already knew about your Daddy! I told them about my wife calling me, I told them about the feeling I got reading the little blurb, and I told them that I had woken up at the same time as he was killed and did not know why I had this “dooms day” feeling all day long!


The tears started to roll down my cheeks again. I looked over at Owen who was sleeping in his swing and just cried. My face was hot and flushed, I looked up and saw the look on your face. You said to me, “Mommy don’t cry, its okay” and you brought me your favorite teddy bear and blankie to make me feel better! I scooped you up into my arms and just held onto you for dear life. I opened my eyes to see the two “green bean” men sitting there with tears just rolling down their faces. Why are they crying I thought, its not their lives that have just been shattered, but I said nothing!


They asked if there was anyone I could call to be with me and I said yes. I got up, moved in slow motion to the phone and dialed Kitty’s number a few times since my fingers were not listening to my brain. Uncle Tim picked up and I calmly said, “Is Karey there? Can she come over now please?” Tim said she was already at the door, she knew she had seen the government car! I walked back into the living room and saw her at the door….I walked over there in slow motion again and opened the door. I think I collapsed into her arms, but Im not sure. I was still standing but I was limp! She walked me back to the couch and just hugged me. She held onto me tight and just cried with me, nothing was said, we just knew what each was thinking! All I could think was how was this real how was this happening? Is not real!! It cant be! But it was!


What seemed liked day but were just hours passed. The news began to trickle out and my phone was ringing off the hook. I couldn’t talk to anyone, what would I say? It was not real for me so how could I say it. The words were not coming out of my mouth!


I had to tell your Granddad and Aunt Lisa. That was THE hardest thing to do, until I thought about telling you! Oh god how the hell was I going to do that? But for now the focus was on family and friend and letting them know. I started by calling Granddad he was not there so I left a message for him to call me. Then I called Aunt Lisa, she answered the phone, I said hello and asked what she was doing. I told her to sit down because I had some bad news. I slowly told her about Daddy not fully believing the words were coming out of my mouth or that I was even making sense. The next thing I knew she was yelling at me telling me I was a “fucking lier” and she threw the phone. I hung up and just sat there! Oh god what had I just done? Granddad called back and as I let the words roll of my tongue I so hoped it was not real. But again for the second time I was telling someone Daddy had been killed! Your Granddad was devastated, he just sat there, not knowing what to say. Then he was going to call Nana so he got off the phone.


Shortly after that is when the phone calls started and the door bell rang off the wall. It was hard to hear that stupid door bell over and over knowing someone else was coming in to tell me how sorry they were that Daddy was gone. The house was full of friends and other wives. I was claustrophobic to say they least! My house was getting smaller and smaller by the minute!


That afternoon another dark figure showed up at my door. Same build, little taller and just as dark standing behind the glass. Kitty opened the door to yet another “green bean” standing in the doorway, it was my CAO, CPT Scott McGrath! All I could think of is how he looked like a deer in headlights not knowing what to expect. He looked as scared as the first set of “green beaners”. Poor guy! He walked in and thought Kitty was Mommy, but she pointed to me and he walked over. I was sitting in our big living room chair and he introduced himself. He had to walk through a maze of friends that were sitting around telling stories about Daddy. CPT McGrath said he had a few things to give me and I needed to sign some stuff. So we moved to the dining room to “conduct business”.


There Scott handed me “the check” and told me to put it some place safe, have no recollection of that but that is what Im told. Then I signed all the paper work that needed to be singed right then and there and we moved back to the living room. Scott sat there and watched what was going on. You could tell he was making mental notes about what he was hearing and learning about your Daddy. I swear he had a mental pen going a mile a minute trying to keep up. The thing I remember the most about Scott was his face. He has a very soft, sweet and understand look on his face. He was quiet and taking it all in. He left for a while to finish up at the office and then he would be back tomorrow.


I finally got to go and lie down for a while, I was waiting for Uncle Peter and Aunt Meggi to come in. They were flying in and would arrive around 10, but they were late so it was midnight instead. I woke up to the door bell going off and Kitty getting the door, she had been asleep with Emma on the couch!

Introducing Myself (Deb Hunt-Petty)

I am one of the co-hosts for our new Blogtalkradio show called "Real Widows...". My name is Deb..yes just Deb. No that is not my given name Deborah is but for as long as I can remember Ive insisted on being called Deb.  I am the mother of two amazing little boys. Oliver is 7 and brings me so much light and love into my life. Owen is 4 and makes me smile and laugh everyday. We live in FL...for now.  I am also the CEO of our household and not sure I like having that title fulltime. I married the man of my dreams, my best friend and the biggest pain in my butt too. I followed him around the US, as he served proudly in the US Army. But Ill get into that later. I graduated in 1996 from my hometown college Marshall University in Huntington, West Virginia...no that is not "western Virginia", with an English degree and minor in Art. I worked for several years in a medical office doing office management. I did other jobs within the medical field as we traveled and moved around, Ft. Bragg, NC, then Ft. Sill, OK and ending up at FT. Hood, TX.  I feel like my "real" story begins when we moved to Ft. Hood, TX so that is where I will focus this introduction mainly on that time.

In 2001 Chris,oh he would be the love of my life...best friend....pain in the butt..blah blah blah... I mentioned briefly above; moved to Ft. Hood, Texas. Chris was finishing the CCC (Captains Career Course) and was in Kansas. I went south as he made his way north. We had just bought our first home together and for the first time felt "grown up". We were excited and it was my duty to get us settled in and ready for him when he finally came home.  Two weeks after I moved into our home, painting, unpacking and getting settled the worst thing on American soil happened, September 11th. Chris was 99% sure this meant we would go to war. He was right, just not right away!  We loved it there and made a home and wonderful friends too.  Life was good.


November 2, 2002 we were so happy to welcome our first born son Oliver into our lives. Chris was beside himself and talk about the "Daddy glow" that man had it two fold. The next three months were wonderful, we were a family and I was just in love with my little family. THEN...we got the news, Chris would deploy to Iraq in March. Oliver was 4 months old and we were saying "Goodbye" to Chris for a year. I took on the role of CEO at that point and although hated parts of it, did it with pride for my husband, after all he was getting his butt shot at, I just had to pay bills!  The year past and it was time for Chris to redeploy home and I was so excited!  We now had a 16 month old who was walking and talking, what a SHOCK that would be to Chris. The next few months, as Im sure you well know were not easy but we worked through it and found that we were so happy to be a little family again.


Chris took his first Command shortly after that during the summer of 2004. That meant long hours and long days for me. I had already been alone for a yr and now here I wa again...alone playing CEO. But once again I did it happily.  We decided we wanted to try for a second little monkey and with some "luck" in February of 2005 I found out I was pregnant. It was not that simple however, as I was now high risk and no one could tell me why exactly. I went into labor more times than anyone should, I was hospitalized 3 times and was so over being pregnant....


Apparently Owen was so done baking,  and 2 months prior to his due date Owen was born, October 17, 2005. There were no complications with him at all but I was a different story, I WONT bore you with that however! Anyway Oliver was a very proud big brother and Chris was once again the proud Daddy! We had just a few weeks before Chris was to deploy to Iraq for the second time. And our last holiday together was Thanksgiving. Two days later we were saying our goodbye.


40 days into the second depoyment, Chris was instantly killed by a remote detonated IED (Improvised Explosive Device). Chris was killed along with 4 others in his battery.


This is the point that my life as I knew it at that moment in time ended and this new morphed version of myself began.  But that is for later posts. I will share that day, and the days to follow..so for now that is me Deb...Just Deb in a nutshell!