The AWP and ME!

As I sit here 4 and a half years later and think about putting down in words what the AWP means to me, I instantly have a smile on my face.  There really are no words to describe what Taryn and the group of the most amazing women mean to me.  These women are strong, independent, loving, sweet, caring and above all supportive and understanding. This is the story of my journey with the AWP.

I was told about the AWP from another widster who had just found the group herself. There was a group of us looking for a group that was specifically for younger widows of our generation and war.  I had been a part of another widow group that was founded  a very long time ago, and although they do amazing work with our benefits and legislation, that was not what I was looking for. So I went on the Americanwidowproject.org web page and sat there quietly looking through all the stories and with my heart heavy and tears pouring down my face, I decided to add my story as well. As I sat there typing the words that flowed from my finger tips, the words and realities that made my life come to a screeching halt I knew in my heart I had found an amazing group of ladies that would understand this journey better than anyone in my life could. I was so excited, thrilled to be a part of women that were like me.

A few weeks after I joined the group I got a friend request from a LaNita Herlem on my Myspace page. I opened the request and there she was my first connection to the AWP. She had written that her husband Bryant had died in 2006, by and IED in Iraq. She wrote that she had been married the same amount of years, that they had been together the same amount, that we were close in age, both been at Ft. Hood the same time frame; and at that moment something clicked in me and I was so over joyed because I knew for no reason at all that I had finally found the right group. I added her as quickly as I could and posted on her page. We posted back and for for what seemed like days into weeks. We shared it all. Our before life and after life, our love for our heroes, the time with them, the silly little quirks, what we missed, what we longed for, our hopes, our dreams and all that was shattered with just one ring of a doorbell.  I had met other widsters before LaNita that I love and adore to no end, they are my life, my heart and my family; but there was just something about LaNita that clicked and made me feel like I was finally where I was meant to be.

After I posted my blog on the AWP site, Taryn, the founder; befriended me on Myspace as well. I soon added her and we started to chat. Finding out that she has just lost Michael and was strong enough to start such an amazing group, well...floored me.  I was so taken by her and all she had done in such a short time. We exchanged phone number and the calls came every few days. Again I had found another amazing connection. This young widow only 22, so determined to make a difference and a "home" for today's generation of war widows was now a part of my life, my family. Taryn asked me shortly after that if I would like to be a part of the DVD she was making for the AWP. She told me it was for new widows that needed to know they were not alone. They would be sent out to them along with an invite to the group. The best thing is we don't pay dues to be in the AWP, we did that the day we heard the doorbell ring. I was so excited but wondered what on earth would she want with me?

Taryn and her one man camera crew Don, came to my house that March. I was so excited but man was I nervous. Don set up his camera equipment and started to follow the boys around the house.  He filmed them playing, he filmed them, eating, helping make dinner, colouring and even filled them being taught how to put on makeup by Taryn. We went to release balloons in honor of Daddy, Don was not far behind. That weekend was spent sharing stories with Taryn and Don and soon to be a nation of widows.  With each question Taryn asked, my heart would skip a beat as I tried to put into words how I felt about Chris, our life together, his loss, the boys, my hopes and dreams and all that surrounded what was now my new life and journey.  It was not easy but I bit my bottom lip and added the "Deb flare" to the interview. I told story after story as my mind flooded with memories of our life together. It was an amazing weekend. When we were not filming we were chatting up a storm, drinking beers and laughing our asses off.  Taryn had her camera too and walked around the house taking some amazing pictures. The one of Owie in my "Beer" hat with the "My Mom Rules" T-shirt on was a still Don took while here.  The weekend was one I will never forget!

August of that year Taryn called and said they were having a premier party in Austin for the movie. WOW! How cool is that? So I scrambled to find someone to take the boys that weekend and I headed down. How awesome to be a part of all this.  The first day there we all went together for me to get my Supergirl tattoo. After a long four hour sitting I had a full colour and very vivid tattoo on my back that represented how I felt I was at that point and still today. But I digress, since Ill blog about that at a later date.  The rest of the time I was in Harker Heights creating the cake for the premier.

FINALLY the day was here! The premier of the DVD that was a labor of love for Taryn and Don. I was elated. How fun was this going to be? I had never been around another widow before Taryn and I had never been in a room with so many at one time. The energy in that movie theater was electric! You could have lit a whole city with the vibe of energy we were putting off. We all ordered our food, pitcher of beer and sat down. I was surrounded by amazing women, I had Jen Funkhouser and LaNita Herlem right there by my side. Karey, who is not a widster but my best friend was there with me. The movie started and we all took a deep breath. Heeeere weeee goooo....

The movie began and the stories started to flow from these amazing women. Six of us all together, each at a different stage and time in our journeys. I, of course was the oldest in age and furthest along in the group. I was sharing what 2 yrs and beyond was like for me. How far I had come, how amazing life was, how much I missed Chris and all that I was doing in my life. There were stories of quick marriages, long time loves, no kids and kids, college, stories of despair and hope and of course the laughter, funny comments and sarcasm....added by yours truly!   The movie was filled with memories, pictures and stories of lives lived and lost, love that would never end and a journey that we all found ourselves on and didn't want. This was a group of amazing ladies, not just in the film but those all round me that filled that theatre, the women that came from all over America in all different stages of grief and journey to be together as one family.  These women were my WIDSTERS...my FAMILY!

Since that summer, I have been so lucky to meet and be a part of so many Widster's lives. I have been able to help and comfort and honor those who are in my life and their heroes. I have since finished my first book that was published that same year and that too has helped so many. The AWP is where I first found a home and a place to be happy, content and feel NORMAL for the first time in 2 yrs. That continues today and although I am not as involved as I use to be, I love all the Wisters in the AWP and would do anything for them.

AWP Event Austin Blog Entry in 2008

This entry is a mile stone entry! I was interviewed for a DVD to be handed out to the “New” widows. It is an amazing project to be involved in. I have met so many incredible women that range from 21 to 41. Some of their husbands were killed in the war, some were murdered, some committed suicide, and some were sick and died after they got home. We are all facing a life without them and a life that we had not planned on!



I was able to share my story and my feelings though this DVD. At the premiere for it, I was able to meet all these women. We all laughed, cried, jokes around, drank and had a time that would otherwise never have happened! I have some incredible new friends and I am very lucky to say that.


I think about other war widows from previous wars and how awful it must have been to have their husbands looked upon as bad people, or not seen as a hero. These widows were all alone and did what was expected of them. They remarried in order to have the stability to raise their children and live a life that was considered acceptable back then. They married family members, usually the brother of their husband. To me that just seems so odd. They did not talk about the loss, what it meant and most of the children knew nothing about their fathers.


Wow ! How times have changed! Below is a blog I posted on Myspace. It explains about the weekend and how I felt about it all. I really did enjoy my visit and meeting all those wonderful women! They give me strength everyday!

I spent this past weekend in Austin, Texas! I was there along with around thirty other widows for a premiere of a DVD created to help "new" widows sort through and face the worst possible change life can offer. . . .the death of a spouse. There I shared my thoughts and memories with other widows. We all told "our" stories and shared our frustrations and anger about what had been handed to us. And although that is the most important thing we can do for each other, there was so much more to be offered.


There was an instant bond between us. They are the only other women that "know" what I am going through. They all can feel the pain and the joys that all this bring along in the journey. I felt as though I had known these girls for my whole life. They are all sisters to me, family and women that I would do ANYTHING for. There are not many "groups" that can say they have that among their members. And although we all have lost a spouse, the love of our lives, the one person we need the most, we all have our very own and different stories. The stories are amazing, they are heartfelt and will bring you to your knees within minutes of hearing them. But these stories are also what we all have in common, these stories are what make us who we are, they are part of our journey now, and as much as we hate it; these stories...our stories and sharing them is what makes us stronger and healthier.


Not all of us lost our husband to the war, but all of us ARE military widows and all of us ARE feeling and going through the same emotions. The tears are healing, the laughter is comforting, and the "I know what you mean" looks almost make you feel safe. As much as I hate it, knowing I am not alone has been the biggest saving grace for me. Knowing the feelings, thoughts and irrational behavior is "normal" and within my rights as a widow....has been what makes my days livable! When everyone else in your life is telling you to "get over it", "move on", or "its been two years what is wrong with you?", there are these women who tell you to ignore them and take your time, one day at a time and that is what is needed. Those who are going through it helping others going through it.


The DVD was amazing! There were about six of us who did the interviews for the DVD, yes me included. I know, who on earth would put Deb on a DVD, but they did! I was for lack of a better way to put it "the comic relief" and I am happy to be that! I gave the two year out perspective on being a widow. We were all at different stages in the game and I was the furthest out. The other women were incredible! Its harder to share those first days after you are notified, those last memories together, all the lost hopes and dreams, the days following, the funeral, the months that never seemed to end, the first year anniversaries, the birthdays, the holidays....all of it. Unless you are in the same ocean as us, you cant even begin to understand what our lives are like. Losing a parent, as an adult is sad; however losing someone who you were sharing every day with, every moment of life, every dream , every hope and every disappointment, well there is just no comparison. Any loss is sad but really, comparing your cat or dog to my husband and the father of my kids, well that will only get you a nasty look, tongue lashing or a broken nose! I have had more people tell me how they understand how I'm feeling b/c they lost their pet last year, wonder if they know how stupid that really sounds? I'm guessing not!


The most rewarding part of the weekend for me, besides meeting the most incredible bunch of girls, and hearing all the stories; was being told that what I said made such a difference. That seeing me laugh and in a place to joke around about it was a comfort to them. There were a few that were "new" widows, four months out and I got the biggest hugs from them! They told me I gave them hope and that all the women on there are so strong and confident in where they are. All I can say, is....its a mask for most of us most of the time. We are strong when we need to be, but the most important thing to know is.....its okay to be "weak", b/c being "weak" is what makes you strong! If you never let yourself cry or really feel the pain, you will never more beyond it. You will be stuck with it for life and that is not what any of our husbands ever wanted for us. Show him how amazing you are by going through the emotions, the pain and coming out the other end, better and mostly stronger for it all. The bottom line is, its okay to cry, its okay to be mad, you hate him for a while, its all a part of the journey! Feel it, breathe it, take it all in and then when you are ready decide what you will do with all that.


This weekend was meant to do exactly what it did do. Bring us all together, share our stories, have some fun, laugh, cry and show those who are just beginning, in the middle or further down the road that we can all do it and we all ARE! We are all here for each other and I could not be more lucky than to have each and every one of those girls in my life!


If I cant have Chris by my side, then my AWP girls are who I chose to have!


Thank you Taryn for creating an amazing group for us to all be a part of and feel as we are family members to. You are wonderful and I adore you!


LaNita, as always girl, you crack my ass up! Thank you for being such a wonderful friend! I love ya girl!


Jennifer, thank you for coming, I loved seeing you! I have missed you! I hope you will join the group of crazies that I adore so much!


Tara, Windy, Angel, Beth, Jocelyn, Natalie, G, Chilla, Natasha and ALL OF YOU, thank you for being so amazing! Thank you for your friendship and support! Y'ALL ROCK!!!!!!


Karey, thank you for the cake, the cookies, the love, the support, you are my sister by heart! I love you and will see you soon!

The picture above is the cake Karey and I made together for the premier!  :)