Broken Wings...

A Poem…Broken Wings…

They are not tied, they are broken.
They lay so still, they do not open.

They ache to feel the wind benethe them, they long
To stretch , to fly to soar.
So long they sat still, not wanting to move,
not wanting to feel not wanting the pain.
Will they ever soar again, will they ever fly?
Will my wings mend? Will they feel the wind?

They are healing, they are opening, they are stretching
They are painful no longer, they are ready to soar!
I spread my wings, I feel their power, I feel their strength
I feel the wind benethe them!
I take flight, I soar, I see that I am broken no more!
My wings will hold me, my wings will guide me my wings
Will be ….ME! 

Do you see ME or do you see....

Do you see….ME? 


Do you see me, or do you just see the 
Title I was handed but did not want? 

The one that screams WIDOW!!!! 

Do you see my heart, or do you just see the 
Shattered and scattered pieces? The ones 
That I work so hard to put back together, do you see that? 

Or do you just see the WIDOW? 

Do you see my strength, or do you just see failure? 
Do you pitty me because you think my life is so hard? 
Do you think that I have done enough or still have far to travel? 

Or do you just see the WIDOW? 

Would you give me a chance or walk away? 
Would you be strong enough to be with me, would you be? 
Or would you love me from a distance... 
Never giving me the chance, to possibly love you too? 

Would you ever...could you ever see me or... 
Do you see just a widow? 

My Rearview Mirror (Looking back on the second yr)

 My Rearview Mirror (Looking back on the second year) 

As I sit here just 3 and a half months into my third year I have been forced by myself to take a long hard look back to the last year. Some things I can say I am proud of, some ...well...not so much, but all of them are a part of my journey and a part that had to happen for me to be where I am now. Here is view and outlook on the second year... 

Those around us that have never been in our shoes have the great advantage of thinking they know everything. Thinking they know where we should be in "the healing process", however if they had ever been in our shoes they would know that "the healing process" is a long lifetime full of ups and downs. I have had my fair share of friends and family judging me for where I am or am not in the process. And at times I thought they were right and wondered myself why it was that I was not better than I was, at other times was angry because I thought I was doing pretty damn well. Well taking the time to look back, read my journals and blogs over the last year and talk to some very honest and wonderful friends, I have now found out exactly how rough the second year really was. 

For me the second year, as I was living it; was much much easier in my head at that time, in real life and looking back now it was much harder. The obvious of this is the lifting of the "widow fog", becoming very well aware of my situation and turning into a blubbering idiot at the drop of a hat. With this also came the desperate need to numb the pain. There are many that will not admit they turned to some sort of substance to aid in this quest, however I can say with pride that not only did I do this; but I no longer need it either. I drank to numb the pain, and it was not during the day, it was not everyday; but I did drink to numb the pain. At the time did I know this was happening, oh hell no. Denial? Most likely but until recently I did not know how bad I really was. Then there was the full blown anger, wow was I a very angry person inside. Not much of this anger ever was shown to others and I suppose that is why some thought I was doing so well, they just never saw all my pain. I was angry at Chris, his Commander, some of his friends and not until I took this journey of healing to the next level did I realize how angry I was at myself. For the most part the second year for me, was just spent with the hope that no one would talk to me or notice me. That my phone would stop ringing and everyone would just stop giving a damn about me. 

I went through the motions to get through that second year, that did not change from the first year. I did what it took to get through the day and as night fell and the depression set it I would get online and turn to those who knew what I was going through the best. Most of those people were from the Gold Star Wives online chat and although I do not belong to it anymore, at the time they were a great help to me. It was an outlet to get it off my chest, an outlet I thought was helping but looking back now was just enabling me to hold onto all the pain and anger. I had other friends online too, some were there with Chris and some just knew him. They were an outlet for me too but still a crutch that enabled me to drink alone and not face, although talking still about the pain. 

Now in my third year something happened, a window to a beautiful blue skied, sunny spring day opened. I started to feel better about me. I started to want to live life again. I wanted to be the person I was before this all happened to me. Now I fully understand that being that person pretty much died with Chris but there was a part of me that knew the person I was when I was happy and content with life was still in there. As I started to make small adjustments in my life to change it, I started to really see things I had been missing out on. My kids were growing up as I was going through the motions. My ass had spread to basically cover the entire chair that I planted it in every night to chat online and the person in the mirror was this sad pathetic girl that just wanted to hide. And lord only know what had been spuing from my mouth on those late drunken nights and the funniest part of this I now know some of it and wonder what the hell I was thinking! But I began to lose weight which made me feel great about myself and with that came a new found confidence to face what I had created in my life......a disaster. 

Oh the things I did and said in that second year are at times astonishing to me, but would I change any of them if I could, no! I believe that was a right of passage, something I had to go through in order to get to where I am today...just three months into my third year. I believe that without my second year starring my many disasters I would not be where I am today. I have taken steps to change who I am for the positive, does that mean I don't still miss the hell out of Chris every day? Of course not but now I can think of him and not burst into tears, or turn to a bottle for comfort but mostly I have found out who I am and like who I am. I am a strong person, one who strives every day to make sure Chris' memory stays alive in the boys as well as his family and friends, but its not a struggle any longer its just a part of who I am. I am a person who now looks in the mirror and sees me, a thinner version of me; thank god but one that I recognize and am learning to not only like again but love again and mostly be proud of again. I smile all the time now and it not a mask as it was a year ago, its real happiness behind my smile. My smile makes others smile now too, and makes them wonder what I'm up to. I enjoy life again, living it not just going through the motions. And its a kick ass feeling too!! 

Do I still have my down days, of course; I lost the love of my life after all, but its not as hard to get back up from those days and they are not half as devastating to me either. And speaking of love, do I look forward to finding a new one, yes! Does it scare me, oh hell yeah but if its meant to be it will be. But the important thing in that area now, is that I am open to a new love but a different love, because there is no one like Chris and there shouldn't be either! 

The second year was spent trying to find a way to live with this and after a year of failing I decided to make a change one that has proven to be the right one. I hope by sharing my thoughts on the second year for me, it will help someone else on here to see that what they are going through is okay and given time you will move through this too and come to a time where you make the same decision I did and I hope that you will look back on this and make the right one for you! 

My Mirror Image...

My Mirror Image. 

Just a glimps , but I see her, could it be? That girl that was happy, 
content and living her life? 

The girl that could make anyone smile, the girl that could break a heart with a look? 
the girl that knew her own power? 

Yes, there she is, the one that smiles, the one that cares the ones that laughs. 
There she is the one that is proud of her life! 
The one that loves herself and likes the woman she is today. 

There I am, I can see me. Im there smiling back at me. 
Im there loving how far I have traveled and the person I have become. 

Its me, the one you laughed with, the one who stole your heart, 
the one that made you feel like you could reach for the stars. 

Im back, Im here now its my turn to touch those stars. 
Hold my hand, let me lead you down my path, lets touch the stars together. 
Lets make new memories, as wonderful as the old. But better for the future. 

Let me now be ME! 
But with you at my side.

Ask most Americans what Veteran's Day means to them and its a day off, a day to BBQ, a day to be with family. And although that is all wonderful and special the real meaning of what this day represents eludes most people.

The meaning and importance of Veteran's Day has changed for me over the last 20 years. I will admit that when I was a kid, I did not know what the meaning of this day was all about; Im not sure I payed attention even in college. For me, like most Americans it was a day off school nothing more as this day was never made to be a big deal in school either. This day was just another day.

Then I met Chris, one of the most patriotic men I have ever known. His family comes from a long line of service members, ALL...Veterans. One Veteran's Day I was blessed enough to be in Chris' grandfather's house and he was sharing stories with Chris, which from my understanding he did not do often. He was telling Chris about WWII and Chris' Dad being born, him not seeing him until he was almost 4. And at that moment I was able to put a real face to a Veteran, a man who had given up and missed out on so much so he could do the honorable thing and serve his country, a Veteran that would soon be my family too. I had never had that before so I sat there listening to this sweet, kind and gentle man share his stories with his grandson about the way the army and war was back when he served. Chris and I would soon be going to Ft. Sill, OK and then Ft. Hood, TX both places of which his grandfather had been stationed. Back then it was Camp Hood and there was no town surrounding it at all. He told us stories for a long time and I till carry them with me, as Chris did too.

Since that Veteran's Day, I have always looked at Veterans with so much love and compassion. Veterans are not just men and women willing to serve our country, to bare arms against the enemy or serve in peace times. Veterans are men and women who are willing to give up their lives as they know it to serve. They are willing to miss out on anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and family time. They miss out on their children's first steps, first words, graduations, first dates, all the important stuff that is so much a part of what our families are. They miss out on deaths, memorials and the chance to say "Goodbye" to their loved ones. Veterans are not just soldiers that hold weapons and fought when told to like robots, these are family men and women, they are caring, loving, passionate and patriotic heroes all wrapped into one amazing being. Veterans are why we speak the language we do, why we can still fly our flags, why we still have the right to the 1st Amendment, and they are the reason why we should be seeking them out to THANK them this Veterans Day.

This year, seek out a Veteran. If you are near Ft. Hood find those men and women...those boys and shake their hands, salute them and let them know how much you appreciate them and are proud of them. If you are near any other post or base, do the same; that is a given easy chance to do the right thing and thank a Veteran. If you are not near a post or base, go to Applebees or Golden Corral, they are offering a free meal to our Veterans/Service Men and women, pay for your meal that will pay for theirs and then THANK them! Take the time to show your children that THIS is what Veterans Day is all about! The pride, the love, the support and the gratitude for and in our Veterans.

I am blessed to have so many amazing Men and Women in my life that are Veterans, that stood up and took the call to duty. My husband was one of them, my sisters husbands are many many others. But beyond that there are many in my life such as Michael, my amazing boyfriend who served 21yrs in the Navy (okay wrong branch but Ill forgive him), my wonderful friends David, Tom, Sean, Stephen, Michael, 1-15 FA Illum group, CSM King all the guys that served with Chris, Hecker, White, Perez and Morales, all who perished that same day. Chris' grandfather who is the sweetest man I have ever met, Chris' Uncles, for Lisa Hackett's father and grandfather, and all my Army Wives Friends who's husbands are still serving so proudly....I THANK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!! I thank you for giving my children a safer place, for giving me the freedoms that I do not take for granted. I thank you for being brave enough to serve our country. Today and all days, I honor you, am proud of you and so very proud to be an AMERICAN!

Thank you my military family...thank you!

"Love Happens"

My unexpected journey with this movie:


The other night I wanted to just curl up and watch a love story. Something to take me away, take my mind of being sick and the incredibly lonely feeling Ive had lately. I wanted to escape to another time, another world, another life. So I flipped throught the channels...nothing. How is it that I have over 200 channels and there was nothing on that I wanted to watch? Its the same phenom of opening a frig full of food yet there is nothing in there you want to eat. Anyway I digress, I then went to the On Demand list and found "Love Happens" with Jennifer Aniston and I remember wanting to see it. Thinking it was an ushy gushy love story I picked it. 3.99 later, hot tea and my warm bed I was ready to go.


This movie took me on an unexpected journey that just stole my attention from the mintue it started. With all that I will write in here, it wont even touch on the feelings that you get from watching this movie. I sat there warm tea in hand and just had tears pouring down my face. Good tears, cleansing tears, tears that allowed me to feel alive and well again. And that may sound odd to most but I do know that with each word I type, my widsters will understand fully what I am trying to convey.


The movie is about a gentleman who is in essance a motivational speaker on grief. You see this guy who has written this book on how to grieve. A book that is based on his own journey. Its been three and a half years for him since his wife died, he is a widower. The difference in perspective was wonderful as you see that this pain and longing and anger crosses time and gender alike. It made me realize that its not just because we are all crazy emotional females that we feel this way at all. Now I know this is not a true story or was not stated it was but whom ever wrote this has either been through this themselves or knows someone they are very close to that has. The emotions are just too real for it not to be. The motivational speaker lost his wife in a car accident. The pain he feels from that is conveyed with so much feeling and love. The internal battle he fights is what we all go through.


You learn that this character, the motivational speaker has a tour with his book where he has groups of people that come to his workshops on grief. He helps them move through the different stanges of grief and reach a point where they are okay feeling what they need to feel to move forward and through their own journey. You come to find out that he threw himself into this project without going through the very steps that he says are essential to the grieving process. Through this he meets Jennifer Aniston's character and finds her to be a light he has been missing for so long, but he is torn as he knows he has not gone through what he needs to to take this next step.


This movie took me on an emotional roller coaster. I found myself sitting there screaming in my mind, "you cant love her you have not faced your own fears" and then just sitting there waiting for him to do something about it. With each step he took I remember the steps in my own life that were similar. I felt what he was feeling and I wanted so badly to reach out to him knowing I had been there and felt that too. There is a part when he does something that his wife asked of him if anything should ever happen to her and when he was doing that, I just sat there with my breath held; watching and as he did this I sighed a huge relief and then that is when I first felt the tear roll down my cheeck. And for a moment I thought "wow we have all in some way, in our own way let a part of who that person was and who we were go" that was amazing to me. And the things that happened in the movie itself were not the same as what has happened to us as widows, but the idea and the feelings were all there and intense.


The complete emotional circle that comes forth in this movie touched me. I sat there with tears still rolling down my face and thought, "holy cow I didnt see that one coming!" But I am so happy that I watched it. It's stayed with me and so I had to write about it. Its not overly emotional but for those of us who have rowed these waters in our own little boats you will truly understand and appreciate this moive.


I hightly recommend this movie. Its almost a flashback to what we have all felt at some point. And just the way it makes the "normal" for us so much more normal and the love he finds just so hopeful and wonderful that its a must see. But I will worn you if you look this movie up it was given awful reviews and I almost did not pick it due to that.....


That is my two thumbs up widster movie review for the week! :)

Six Years and Six Days Later (Written Sept. 17, 2007)

I guess a lot of people would consider this blog to be written a little late, even by my standards... yes, I know I have a problem with punctuality. But actually, it isn't. I had decided to not write anything about September 11, 2001, mainly because it has become very personal to me since I consider my husband's death to be linked to that event. I am not really sure that America feels that way since so many people seem to want to make Iraq a separate event from 9/11 and Afghanistan. But here it is a week later, and I am still thinking about how I feel and what my thoughts are... So here goes. My random thoughts and feelings about what we now call Patriot Day.

Sept. 11, 2001 was an odd day for me. Almost upside down. I woke up very late that morning to the phone ringing. First, back then, I NEVER slept past 7:30am and was typically up around 7. My body was on it's own internal clock back then (very unlike now). Second, it was my sister on the phone calling to tell me to cut on my tv to the news, which NEVER happens. I am the one who is always calling her and telling her what I saw on the news since I was a news junkie back then (very unlike now). I cut on the tv and the world had changed. I am not sure how else to describe it. But from that moment, life was upside down and it was unknown. What was going to happen next? For those of us who were part of the military family back then, life has simply NOT been the same since. I have never cried about that day though. I have been angry, confused, lost, and scared (what army spouse was not?!), but I never shed a tear. Not until last week.

As I was on my way to the AFAP Conference, a recording came on. It started with TAPS which should make ANYONE associated with the military tear up or at least get a lump in their throat. Then it went into a lot of different sound bites from that day- people who were there and witnessed the towers coming down, people looking for loved ones, news reporters, and the President. It was not anything that I had not heard before (like every 9/11 since the attack). Suddenly, I found myself crying. It was the first time in a long time that I had cried for something that wasn't about Bryant, and I was surprised I was doing it. I am not really even sure that I understand exactly why I was crying, except that maybe, I realized in that moment, how overwhelming that event was for us and our country. I also realized how much we have forgotten. How much we have moved on.

Two Thousand Nine Hundred Seventy-Four. That is how many people died that day. One Hundred Eighty-Four at the Pentagon. Fourty in Pennsylvania on Flight 93. Two Thousand Four Hundred Seven in the World Trade Center. Three Hundred Forty-Three Firemen and Paramedics. Many more have become sick and died due to respiratory disease from being at Ground Zero for so long after the attack. More will follow.

I know that there will be some people out there who will disagree with this statement, but I was watching Oprah's show about the Children of 9/11 and she opened the show by saying that these people sacrificed their lives. Outside of the firemen, paramedics, and other emergency personnel, I do not believe that the anyone else sacrificed their life that day (ok, technically, the terrorists did too, but I try to not waste my brain space on them). What did they give their lives for? That is what sacrifice means... They did not give their lives for anything and while it may be HARSH to hear, the deaths of those victims were meaningless. There is no sane reason for these people to have died! Every single one of those victims went to work that day with no thought of dying. They were not heroes. They were simply going to work and going about their daily routines and living their lives like all the rest of us do everyday. They were innocent people whose lives were taken, ripped violently away! They were murdered. It was an act of war upon us. US! I think that it is wrong for us to label these people as heroes who sacrificed because it separates them from us. They were innocent victims of a heinous terrorist attack. This does not mean there were not many heroic acts after the attacks occurred. I simply feel that when we use words like "sacrificed" and "heroes" it makes it easier for us to distance the victims from ourselves, when, in fact, THEY ARE US. In the mind of the killers, their hatred is as pure for me as it is for anyone who died that day. We have forgotten that. No individual person was targeted. Americans were targeted. You and Me.

Afghanistan... (and we call Korea "The Forgotten War"!) How disgusting is it that this country would rather hear about Britney Spears rather than what is happening in Afghanistan! What does that say about us and our culture?! But it is so far away from here! I think we found out on 9/11 that the world is not a very large place anymore. Afghanistan is not so far away that the terrorists were deterred from coming here to attack us. The Atlantic and the Pacific are no longer secure borders that seperate us from the rest of the world. With our very open borders, we are a very vulnerable country. I do not have a problem with people coming across our borders to work or find a better life. If I was in their shoes, I would probably try to do the exact same thing. But how do we allow our borders to remain so open and HOPE that one of those people coming across is not another radical fundamentalist?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (continuation)

Well it is now 6 years and 9 days later. When I was writing before, I guess this is where I really did not want to go... Bryant. Bryant and the 4000+ soldiers who have died in the War on Terrorism. Not the War in Iraq or Afghanistan because that is not what this is. Maybe there was no link between Saddam and 9-11, but there is definitely a link between Saddam and terrorism. There were terrorist training camps in Iraq. Al-Quaeda is definitely in Iraq now and have been for a good while. Saddam and his family, especially his sons, were evil personified. Were you aware that the Baath Party (Saddam's political party) was originally a fascist party that was patterned after Hitler's Nazis? HMMMMM.... No, there were no WMDs (none we were told about) and we did not go in to save the Iraqi people. Other countries pose those same threats (Iran, North Korea come to mind). Oil was the deciding factor. We all know this. That is something that is very hard for us to admit... not that we went in for oil, but that we went in because we are soooo dependant on oil. We, you and me, need that oil! But that is a whole other rant... But still, the terrorists are there now.

After the attacks, so many people joined the military. An America united, for a short time. For those of us who were in the military prior, I think that we are still looking for a "new normal" or whatever the hell that is suppose to mean. Cynically, I think that with the death of Bryant, my life is more normal than other military families. I no longer have the fear or the anxiety that comes with each deployment. I no longer have to play the waiting game... when will they be put on the list, when will they leave, when will they be able to contact family, when will he IM... I no longer wait for answers because I no longer ask the questions and I wish that I did. But still, as I sit on the outside edge, I am still affected. It is only recently, that our parking lots at the commissaries and PX's have been opened up inside the concrete barricades. I will be surprised if our military bases will ever be open bases again... at least within my lifetime. The military now has a whole new set of acronyms we are now familiar with, such as TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) or CAC (Casualty Assistance Center) or OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) or even the ACUs. PTSD is as common a word as the flu. Divorce is as common as a cold. We drive past certain areas on base and see the memorials to our FALLEN... or we avoid driving there if we can because it is just too painful. We were recently reminded of how we are targets when the plot to attack Ft. Dix was uncovered.

So 6 years and 9 days later... Everything changed for the families of those that died that day. For the military, so much is still changing, everyday as we pretend that things are "normal". For the rest of America (outside of a small few), life is normal again. Isn't it.

I know this blog is not so easy to follow... my train of thought is not so easy to follow either. I apologize for that. I can only say that while my random thoughts on this subject are jumbled and confusing, my feelings are not. What I know for sure is that I am still angry; that every soldier that has died in combat since then, died in a war that started on that day; that if we pull out now, we leave behind a burning powder keg that will most likely be as destructive to the world as 9-11 was to our country; that we are lying if we think any different; and, that less than 5% of this country really and truly cares... because it does not affect them at all.

Call me cynical, if it makes you feel better, but you cannot say that I am not telling the truth.

Happy Patriot Day (as our children get to go and sing around the flag pole)!

The Journey of 9/11

As I woke up this morning today's date weighed heavily on my mind. I thought about where I was eight years ago, how I felt and who was in my life. As I lay there contemplating my day and a single tear made its way down my cheek and settled next to my ear on the pillow, the same place so many have fallen for Chris. I lay there and thought about so many things that my head started to spin. 

I was in Texas, Chris was stationed at Ft. Hood. He was still up at Ft. Leavenworth finishing the CCC, Captains Career Course. I was still painting and our household goods had just arrived a few days prior. My phone rang at 8:50 and it was my best friend Chelle, she said "I know its cleaning day and you usually listen to John Mellencamp so I know the TV is not on, but you need to turn it on". I asked her why and she said, "Just turn it on Deb"... so I did. There I sat watching this tower bellow in smoke and couldnt wrap my brain around what I was seeing and then all of a sudden there it was happening again, but I thought they were just showing what had already happened. The news anchor came on in the back ground and said, "Oh My God another plane has hit the other tower, this is unreal is it a mistake what is going on?" It didnt even cross anyone's mind at that point that it could possibly be something deliberate. As I sat there with my mouth open I somehow managed to pick up my cell phone and call Tara who was at work. I asked her if she had seen the news and she said they were watching now. There was nothing more to say at that point and we just sat quietly on the phone, both of us with similar looks on our faces and watched. Finally Tara said, "Im going to call my Mom Ill call you back." I tried desperately to get in touch with Chris with no luck, he was in class. I couldnt find his Mom either. I called and called frantic to make sure I knew where all my loved ones where, knowing full well they were nowhere near this, but when fear grips your heart rational thinking goes out the door.

As I sat there glued to the TV as all Americans were, the story started to unfold. The next plane hit the Pentagon, then the plane went down in PA. It was obvious at that time, this was not an accident and we were under attack. But why, who would do this? And as I sat there, fear gripped, heart pounding and tears streaming down my face I thought, "Oh God, this means a war, this means fighting back to protect America and our freedoms.....Oh God this mean Chris will go to war!!!" My heart tightened and I couldnt breathe. Every breath was painful, every breath was harder than the one before. My phone rang and I jumped, it was Chris. He said, "Honey have you seen?" I said through tears, "yes". He asked what was wrong and I told him....there was silence for a moment which seemed as hours had passed and he said in a low somber voice, "Yes, it does mean war and it does mean me going, but that is what I train for, that is who I am...do you understand?" Again in a low tear filled voice I said, "Yes of course I do, just doesnt make it easier." We talked for a little bit, Chris trying to reassure me it would all be okay, as he always did.

That night Tara and I sat glued to the TV. Like all Americans trying to wrap our brains around what was happening, trying to gather all the information we could to make heads or tails of what this meant.

Flash forward eight years.....

It seems for me that every year 9/11 becomes more intense. The years that Chris was still alive this day was always remembered with a flag flying (as it does everyday), with a moment of silence between us and talking about what it meant and how we felt that day. Since his death, this day is just as if someone reaches in grabs my heart and rips it out...again! I think about the families that were effected, now knowing the full depths of their pain. I think of the children, knowing now what it does first hand and imagining all those little faces as they were told that their mother or father had been killed. I see Oliver's little face and the complete but controlled devisatation that hit and changed his face forever. I think about all those who ran in pure terror, those who ran towads the terror to help, those who died helping...those who stood so close to where our country was attacked. I think about the heroes on the plane in PA, those last phone calls to family, those last minutes knowing those were their last minutes. Those at the Pentagon, just taken out like they were in a video game. No choice in the matter no chance to fight back, just gone in the blink of an eye. And then I think of America, those watching from so far, helpless, horrified and in shock.

Now, we look back and realize that 9/11 was not just a day that happened, it was a day that became in that instance our history. It became a very sad part of who we are, and defined and changed how we live our lives. Its a day that happened within our lifetime, its not something I read in a history book its my history, its the beginning of a chapter that has created so many novels on this time in our lives. This is what makes our history, this as awful as it was is what made us stand up and take notice. With that single moment in time America swelled with pride, swelled with patriotism. We decided that this was not okay that the Greatest Nation was not going to stand for this. We hung our flags, we helped our neighbors, we donated to charities to help those affected. We did what we always do as Americans, we ban together as brothers and sisters and show those who attacked us that they did not break us...they made us stronger. This is why, although I am not a born American I am so very proud to be an AMERICAN!!! I was not an American on this day eight years ago, not legally but my heart and soul were and will be forever.

Today, eight years ago did not just change those who were in New York City, it changed an entire nation. It ultered our history and it ultered over 5,000 men and women who answered the call of duty. The men and women who went to fight back to protect us. And no matter what your political views and beliefs are on 9/11 and this war, that is the bottom line. Many lives have been lost for our freedom, many lives have been ultered and changed forever and it was not in vien. Those lives lost that day and the lives since were not lost in vien....

I hope that today every American will look back remember where they were, who they were with, and how its changed their lives. For those of us who have lost to this war, today is a double whammy as we remember the terror of 9/11 and remember that that was the begining to where our journey is now, for those attacks is what drove our men and women into battle, and lead us to feel the same loss, pain and walk the same journey as all those families eight years ago.

For all the families of 9/11 you are not forgotten, you and your sacrifice will never be forgotten. As I think of you often and as I look in my children's eyes I finally understand what you must have seen that day and for everyday after. For all my widsters no words can express to you how grateful I am that you are in my lives that we share such an amazing bond that started with the most incredilbe men ever, who faught and died to protect us, I love each of you as family. For my Gold Star Families, you are in my heart everyday, your loss of a child is something I can comprehend, but the pain is. Today is a day that touches so many. May that feeling carry on beyond today into everday life.

Remembering September 11, 2001...today and everyday.

Watching Them Grow...

Boys With Daddy

This summer the boys and I took a road trip up to Virginia and D.C. to spend some time with Nana, go see Daddy and meet some friends and other family as well.  Our plan included sight seeing that started with Arlington and ended in DC seeing Memorials and Monuments. Our first day....was alone with Daddy.


As we approached Section 60 my heart dropped, there in the grass where there had been no rows, not headstones, there were now seven more. Seven more rows filled with the most amazing Heroes but seven more rows that also represented numerous families that were now mourning their Hero as we had and still do. There were so many rows on the  ground where I use to stand hoping and praying that no more rows would be added, hoping that the three in front of Chris' were the last but knowing in my heart where I was standing would be the last resting place to more of our Nations Heroes.  I got out of the car and walked slowly towards them, counting them as I did, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven; seven new rows and these rows are not short rows they extend the length of Section 60 and to estimate the number of Heroes that had been added in my absence, would be over two hundred. I stood there wondering what the families were going through, knowing all too well exactly what it was.  Knowing too this was not the only place our Heroes were laid to rest. Wondering how many widows were added to my ranks, how many kids just like mine were now missing their Daddies.  It broke my heart as all I wanted to do was reach out to them all, show them that life can be what we now consider a "new normal". But it was there and it was a light they could see.  I shook my head as I wiped tears that had formed as I looked at all those perfect, white pristine headstones.


The boys tugged on my shirt encouraging me to keep walking towards Chris' grave, and I was snapped back to reality.  As I walked to Chris' grave it seemed so far back where it had been in for front of Section 60 the last time I was there.  As the boys reached Chris' grave they immediately gave him a hug and said "Hi Dad".  I was almost snapped away from my thoughts of all the new graves and Heroes that now shared this honorable place with Chris as I realized a few things that really made me stand there in disbelief and great sadness.


My boys were growing up beside their Daddy not with him, and I was measuring how much they had grown and how long it had been based on how much taller they were than his headstone.  As I stood there watching them place red, white and blue stones showing their love and honor to Chris I just couldn't believe how much taller and older they were now. I couldn't help but think of two years ago when Owen was just a little taller and Oliver's head was peaking over the top. Now I see them towering over their Daddy. The only thought that went through my mind at that point was, "how can this be their reality?" How was this my reality, but as I stood there I realized they were growing and changing and the one constant that would never change would be that grave stone, with his name on it and as I looked around beyond Section 60 I realized that there must be thousands of Moms that thought just that same way. My eyes filled with tears and I just let them run down my face in the hot sun and as they fell to the ground they landed on the ground that covered their Daddy.  


This is how I was going to gage their growth?  This is how I get to watch them grow? I knew some day they would not only tower over their Father's grave but they would one day reach the age and exceed the age that Chris was when he died. One day we would be standing there and I would be watching my six foot something boys, now men introduce their Father, their Hero to their new bride or new child. My heart sank and the pain I felt reached all the way down to my toes and I lost my footing. I had to sit down and take a breath. My tears flowed again, running down my face and dropping on the grass below, soaking into where he laid so peacefully.  How was this my reality? This can't be the only way they would ever know him, as a grave marker.  I wish nothing more than for them to be filled with love and stories and memories that were created by the time they spent with their Daddy. I wish nothing more than for them to feel his warm strong hands, his deep caring voice and look into those crystal blue loving eyes. They will never be able to experience that, they will never know him as I did or anyone that was lucky enough to have known him. I sat there as they so proudly talked to him, placed the colorful patriotic stones and did not notice my near breakdown. I cried for a brief time, and then looked up to see them hugging his grave again, knowing they were two of the most proud little men I had ever known.  I smiled ... through my tears and was hoping Chris was smiling too.


I got to my knees making sure I was stable to stand and brushed myself off. I pulled out my camera and started to take pictures of those two proud little men who just couldn't show enough love to their Hero and Daddy.  As I snapped picture after picture I saw the love they had for him, the pride, the joy of just being there and I realized my pain was just mine at that moment as this is all they knew and were so happy to just have that time with him. I finished taking the pictures and we walked back to the car.


As we drove away from Section 60 and Chris I looked in the rearview mirror and saw his grave get smaller and smaller as the boys' smiles got bigger and bigger. They were happy to have seen Daddy.  I had the images of them and his headstone in my head the whole way home and it dawned on me, through myself, our family, friends, and Chris' soldiers my boys would know their father, maybe better than most sons known their Fathers. It now was clear to me that they already knew so much about him. They knew how much he loved them, how much he missed them, what a wonderful Father he was, the personality traits they carried, the genes that were undeniably Chris', how his soldiers looked up to him and honored him everyday. They already know how much I loved him and miss him. They know amazing stories about him through their Granddad.  They have seen the pictures, the dedications, the honor, the pride, the love, and that is so much more than most see in a lifetime. And this was just the beginning of what they would know and learn about him. I alone had stories to share that will come in time. I alone had a lifetime of love to share with them. And as we pulled into Nana's drive I noticed them sitting quietly and I asked what the matter was. They both looked up with eyes filled with tears and said together, "We miss our Daddy, Mom". And as heartbreaking as that was, it was a comfort because I knew they knew enough about him to miss him.


I scooped them up in my arms and we shared a good cry together. We walked in Nana's house to smells of a yummy dinner and they ran up the stairs to tell her all about their visit. I smiled because I knew, one more memory had been made even though Chris was not here physically, he was here in our minds, hearts, memories and that was enough because that was the best it could be.