Watching Them Grow...

Boys With Daddy

This summer the boys and I took a road trip up to Virginia and D.C. to spend some time with Nana, go see Daddy and meet some friends and other family as well.  Our plan included sight seeing that started with Arlington and ended in DC seeing Memorials and Monuments. Our first day....was alone with Daddy.


As we approached Section 60 my heart dropped, there in the grass where there had been no rows, not headstones, there were now seven more. Seven more rows filled with the most amazing Heroes but seven more rows that also represented numerous families that were now mourning their Hero as we had and still do. There were so many rows on the  ground where I use to stand hoping and praying that no more rows would be added, hoping that the three in front of Chris' were the last but knowing in my heart where I was standing would be the last resting place to more of our Nations Heroes.  I got out of the car and walked slowly towards them, counting them as I did, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven; seven new rows and these rows are not short rows they extend the length of Section 60 and to estimate the number of Heroes that had been added in my absence, would be over two hundred. I stood there wondering what the families were going through, knowing all too well exactly what it was.  Knowing too this was not the only place our Heroes were laid to rest. Wondering how many widows were added to my ranks, how many kids just like mine were now missing their Daddies.  It broke my heart as all I wanted to do was reach out to them all, show them that life can be what we now consider a "new normal". But it was there and it was a light they could see.  I shook my head as I wiped tears that had formed as I looked at all those perfect, white pristine headstones.


The boys tugged on my shirt encouraging me to keep walking towards Chris' grave, and I was snapped back to reality.  As I walked to Chris' grave it seemed so far back where it had been in for front of Section 60 the last time I was there.  As the boys reached Chris' grave they immediately gave him a hug and said "Hi Dad".  I was almost snapped away from my thoughts of all the new graves and Heroes that now shared this honorable place with Chris as I realized a few things that really made me stand there in disbelief and great sadness.


My boys were growing up beside their Daddy not with him, and I was measuring how much they had grown and how long it had been based on how much taller they were than his headstone.  As I stood there watching them place red, white and blue stones showing their love and honor to Chris I just couldn't believe how much taller and older they were now. I couldn't help but think of two years ago when Owen was just a little taller and Oliver's head was peaking over the top. Now I see them towering over their Daddy. The only thought that went through my mind at that point was, "how can this be their reality?" How was this my reality, but as I stood there I realized they were growing and changing and the one constant that would never change would be that grave stone, with his name on it and as I looked around beyond Section 60 I realized that there must be thousands of Moms that thought just that same way. My eyes filled with tears and I just let them run down my face in the hot sun and as they fell to the ground they landed on the ground that covered their Daddy.  


This is how I was going to gage their growth?  This is how I get to watch them grow? I knew some day they would not only tower over their Father's grave but they would one day reach the age and exceed the age that Chris was when he died. One day we would be standing there and I would be watching my six foot something boys, now men introduce their Father, their Hero to their new bride or new child. My heart sank and the pain I felt reached all the way down to my toes and I lost my footing. I had to sit down and take a breath. My tears flowed again, running down my face and dropping on the grass below, soaking into where he laid so peacefully.  How was this my reality? This can't be the only way they would ever know him, as a grave marker.  I wish nothing more than for them to be filled with love and stories and memories that were created by the time they spent with their Daddy. I wish nothing more than for them to feel his warm strong hands, his deep caring voice and look into those crystal blue loving eyes. They will never be able to experience that, they will never know him as I did or anyone that was lucky enough to have known him. I sat there as they so proudly talked to him, placed the colorful patriotic stones and did not notice my near breakdown. I cried for a brief time, and then looked up to see them hugging his grave again, knowing they were two of the most proud little men I had ever known.  I smiled ... through my tears and was hoping Chris was smiling too.


I got to my knees making sure I was stable to stand and brushed myself off. I pulled out my camera and started to take pictures of those two proud little men who just couldn't show enough love to their Hero and Daddy.  As I snapped picture after picture I saw the love they had for him, the pride, the joy of just being there and I realized my pain was just mine at that moment as this is all they knew and were so happy to just have that time with him. I finished taking the pictures and we walked back to the car.


As we drove away from Section 60 and Chris I looked in the rearview mirror and saw his grave get smaller and smaller as the boys' smiles got bigger and bigger. They were happy to have seen Daddy.  I had the images of them and his headstone in my head the whole way home and it dawned on me, through myself, our family, friends, and Chris' soldiers my boys would know their father, maybe better than most sons known their Fathers. It now was clear to me that they already knew so much about him. They knew how much he loved them, how much he missed them, what a wonderful Father he was, the personality traits they carried, the genes that were undeniably Chris', how his soldiers looked up to him and honored him everyday. They already know how much I loved him and miss him. They know amazing stories about him through their Granddad.  They have seen the pictures, the dedications, the honor, the pride, the love, and that is so much more than most see in a lifetime. And this was just the beginning of what they would know and learn about him. I alone had stories to share that will come in time. I alone had a lifetime of love to share with them. And as we pulled into Nana's drive I noticed them sitting quietly and I asked what the matter was. They both looked up with eyes filled with tears and said together, "We miss our Daddy, Mom". And as heartbreaking as that was, it was a comfort because I knew they knew enough about him to miss him.


I scooped them up in my arms and we shared a good cry together. We walked in Nana's house to smells of a yummy dinner and they ran up the stairs to tell her all about their visit. I smiled because I knew, one more memory had been made even though Chris was not here physically, he was here in our minds, hearts, memories and that was enough because that was the best it could be.