I absolutely hate talking about my notification. I used to not mind because it is such a huge part of my journey, but as time passes, it has become such a very personal and private moment for me and NOT a moment I choose to dwell on! It is just so overwhelming to go back to that day. To that moment...
When Bryant got to Iraq, one of the first things he did was make sure he had an internet connection. In 2006, the internet in Iraq was NOT the best, but Bryant made a shopping list for me of the hardware he needed and had me send the stuff to him so that he and his guys would have the best connection they could get. At the time I was mildly irritated at the money being spent, but now I know why he did it. He needed that connection to me. Because of the extra effort he made, I was able to talk with Bryant nearly every morning and every evening. It was rare when I did not get to talk with him and on the days I did not hear from him (usually due to communication black-outs) I stayed irritable and worried until I heard the familiar computer beep letting me know someone was IM'ing me.
On the evening of April 27, I got the familiar beep. Bryant was just getting out of bed. He usually "beeped" me first thing because he knew how much I liked to watch him get ready for work. I guess it was my way of holding onto a small domestic ritual since I used to lay in bed and watch him when he was home. As he sipped his coffee, we talked for a couple hours and then he had to leave for work. I went to bed about an hour later. During the night I woke up freezing cold to the point I was shivering. I looked to see what time it was (1:10 AM), pulled the covers tighter around me and thought to myself, "I should have worn my flannel pajamas to bed." After a few moments I was back asleep.
The next day was a beautiful warm day. I did not get an IM from Bryant and for the first time, I did not worry about it. I checked to see if he was online, but went on with my day. I cleaned my house and was getting ready to sit down and watch NASCAR qualifying from Talladega when the doorbell rang. My first thought was the mailman was delivering books I had ordered a week or so before. I opened the door to find a man and a woman, both wearing the dress green uniform... and I knew. Bryant was not going to be able to keep his promise to me. He was never going to come home.
So much about that day is a blur to me now. I do not remember hearing the words being read by SSG Baker...telling me my husband was dead. I remember saying a few choice cuss words only to then feel bad for cussing in front of the chaplain. I remember her putting her arm around me and leading me to the couch. She said a lot to me but the only thing I remember was when she said, "It is all a bad dream." I thought, "This is no fucking dream. This is as real as it is ever going to get because this is not something I will ever wake up from." To this day I hate that Carrie Underwood song...
SSG Baker asked if I wanted him to call someone and I do not know why but I asked for my FRG leader, Nadine. In the few months we had known each other we really only had one conversation. I was a point-of-contact (POC) for some of the families in the unit. Nadine and I sat together during a POC training and afterward we had lunch. Outside of that one day and the few FRG meetings we had, I did not really know her. But it was her I asked him to call. She came as soon as she could. I don't know what I said to her during those long hours of sitting there in my living room. She sat with me as I called my mom and listened as I called my brother-in-law because I wasn't sure if I should call my sister at work or wait until she got off. He was sitting at the school waiting to pick my nieces up and had to break the news to them on the way home. I think I finally did call my sister. Bryant's family had not been notified and I fretted over when they would be told.
Eventually my CAO came over. Bryant's commander requested MSG Eddie Campos to be my CAO because he was from our unit and he knew Eddie would do everything to see that I was taken care of. Eddie and Bryant had been friends. I could see it was not easy for him to be there and in a way that was a comfort to me. Someone else was hurting for Bryant too. I listened as Eddie explained each paper before I signed it. He set a gratuity check down on the couch next to me explaining that it was meant to help me get through the next few months while everything got settled. It lay there forgotten until the next morning when I caught my dog chewing on it. I do remember Eddie and Nadine telling me stories about Bryant at work and I remember laughing. Bryant could always make me laugh.
The only other visitor I had that day was my neighbor came over wanting to know if everything was okay. She was an army wife also and had seen the cars. Nadine met her at the door and would not allow her in simply saying I did not want to see anyone. Protecting me became Nadine's mission and God bless her, she did her job very well. I was not aware of it but several people called her wanting information. She fielded all those calls and over the next couple weeks made sure I was not overwhelmed by everyone. She was my liaison to the outside world. She coordinated who and when people came to see me and made sure I ate. To be honest, to get details about that day, it would be best to ask her... I just don't remember. Maybe I don't want to.
I did eventually asked if anyone was killed with Bryant. The only answer I could get was "I don't know." I later found out Bryant's gunner, SGT Jose Gomez had been killed also. A week or so before they died, Jose came to Bryant's room while we were chatting on the computer. He saw me on the screen and said hello and thanks for a care package I had sent to him. We chatted a moment and then he and Bryant started picking on each other. I remember laughing as I watched them. Jose was such a good kid...
As it got late, I told Nadine she did not have to stay. She said she wanted to make sure I got something to eat since I had not eaten all day. I put on my flip-flops and walked out the door. She drove to Sonic and I realized I had not brought my purse. I had no money and no keys to get back into the house. She bought my dinner and we sat in my driveway eating while waiting for a locksmith. After I got into the house, Nadine went home. It was around 11pm. I sat down at my computer and wrote an email telling our friends what had happened. It took so long to write because it had to be perfect. Perfect for Bryant. At one point I went into the bedroom and opened a drawer. I pulled out my blue flannel pajamas and remembered what happened the night before. It was way too hot for flannels so I put them back and put on something else. Nearly 2 weeks later, as I made arrangements for Bryant's funeral, Eddie would tell me what time Bryant died. Out of habit I converted that to central standard time and I finally realized the significance of waking up freezing cold at the end of April in Texas. It was the moment Bryant was killed. I had felt him die.
I eventually fell asleep around 5 AM. In the hour or so I was able to sleep Bryant came to me. He was there in our bedroom sitting in a recliner I bought for him after his first tour in Korea. I was sitting on his lap. His arms were around me and he was holding me tight as he explained how he had to go back to work. He reached behind him, pulled the curtain back. I did not see our backyard. I saw soldiers working in the sand under a hot sun. He kept telling me they need me there. He kissed me goodbye and I woke up to a world without him and a life I did not want.
It has been 4 years, 3 months, 1 week and 6 days since the day I was notified that my husband was killed.
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