My Notification ~ The Day I Went Numb. . .

MY NOTIFICATION. . .


As  I sit here thinking about that day, that faithful day that four and a half years ago; my hands get sweaty, my heart pounds, breathing becomes labored and all I feel is like I'm right back there. The feeling from that day will never leave me, never lessen and never be any more real then than they are today.

January 5, 2006 it was a cool morning in Texas and I was having a "usual" day for a single Mom who was taking care of her three year old and a ten week old sons. I had gotten up after a restless night, waking up at 3 in the morning and not to feed Owen for the first time since he was born. It was an odd, unnerving feeling that woke me. I had spoke to one of the wives, one of my wives since Chris was a Commander I was there contact. This particular wife was on the computer all the time looking for things that had to do with our guys. This particular morning she had found a one line blurb from the AP that stated "US Soldier convoy struck by IED, casualties unknown at this time and pending DOD official release". I will never forget that one liner as long as I live. I looked it up and told her there was no information that could make her think it was our guys. But deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew from the first word I read that it was Chris. I felt it and there was no reason for it other than I just knew.

My best friend Kare, who lived right next door called a few moments later and told me there was a young man going from door to door asking about husbands occupations. She didn't want him to know I was home alone so she called to warn me. I told her about the phone call and told her about the AP release. I told her I had this feeling that it was Chris and she said, "Its not him, he's fine don't worry." But the feeling nagged at me. We continued to talk as we usually did and I was on the computer searching for anything else I could find.  We chatted about the kids, she had just had her baby weeks before and we were comparing notes. Oliver came in my room and hugged me and asked to watch some TV but I sent him back to his room to play for a bit longer.  Twenty minutes later the knock at my door, of course I ignored it, why shouldn't it mostly likely it was that kid.  A few seconds later the knock came again,this time a little more intense and I made the comment, "damn he's a little persistent shit!" Moments later the knock was much louder and much more pronounced. I got up and walked to the dinning room which looked directly through the living room to the front door. The door had frosted glass and there I saw one figure. As I stood there starring at the door, I saw a flash of something shiny and then it happened....

There it was the second figure slowly emerged from behind the first and with that I saw the rest of the shiny, now clearly gold buttons. My heart dropped, my head started to spin and my hands became sweaty. I said to Karey, "OMG there are two of them, Ive gotta go." and I hung up or dropped the phone, I don't remember. I walked to the door but I swear my feet were not touching the ground, I was weightless (which was ironic for girl that still had a lot of baby weight on her ass), couldn't breathe and it was all in slow motion from that moment on. I got to the door and couldn't remember how to open it, I fumbled a little and then slowly oh so very slowly opened it, hoping beyond all hope I was dreaming or it was not two soldiers in Class As (or as I call them Green Bean outfits) standing there starring back at me. The door came open and I froze there in time as they started..."Are you Mrs. Deborah Petty, wife of Captain Christopher Paul Petty?", "Yes" I said in a whisper. They started again in what seemed to be even slower motion,  "Do you know why we are here?" Of course I was not in the right frame of mind and that question was a "duh" for me so I said "To pick up my laundry...?"  They didn't miss a beat and they started again, "Ma'am on behalf of the United States Army and our Commander and Chief, I regretfully inform you of the death of your husband Captain Christopher Paul Petty...." and I'm fully aware that is not exactly what they said but that is what I heard and I will forever hear that. I just stood there, what next? As that thought came to mind they asked if they could come in. I opened the door wider the they entered. I sat on the couch and as I did Oliver came running in. He wanted to know if these were Daddy's soldiers and I said no they were not. I was crying these huge, warm, sobbing tears but until that point had no idea I was even crying. I sat there for a moment trying to soak it all in. *Did they really just tell me that Chris was dead?* was all I could think.  I looked at Oliver and his little face was so worried. At three he was my biggest protector and he couldn't figure out what was going on. I hugged him and pulled him onto my lap, as I did I looked at the Chaplain and he had tears streaming down his face.  He saw me and quickly wiped them away with one sweep of his hand. I hugged Oliver tight and the tears flowed, *OMG how was I going to tell my sweet boy his father, best friend and hero was never coming home?* That thought quickly left me when he jumped off my lap and ran to his room. I was sure he must have known, but instead he came back with red, white and blue "daddy patriotic bear" and gave it to me. At three he says, "Mommy it will be okay don't be sad, I'm here and love you."  That alone made the tears harder to control. The Chaplain wanted to say a prayer and so I let him (no I didn't go up in flames either).  He turned and looked at Owie and tears formed again. He had two little boys about the same age and I could just imagine what he was thinking.  They asked if someone was near that could come be with me. I stood up, feeling woozy and light headed and walked to the phone that lay on the floor. I dialed Karey's number about four times because I just couldn't remember the number even though I called it about six times a day. Finally I got it right and her husband, Tim answered. I could barley catch my breath as I said, "Tim is Karey still there, I need her its Chris and its bad?" He said, "She's on her way, Deb she should be at the door by now." I don't even remember if I said thank you or if I just hung up but I turned to see her shadow at the door and it was like all I wanted was for her to catch me.  I ran to the door flung it open and said, "Its Chris, he's gone Kar, he's gone!!!"  (WOW the tears are free flowing now and its amazing after four years how easy this is to recall and feel like I'm right back there at that door) She flung her arms around me and held me tight, and I needed it because I felt like I was melting down into the floor. She walked me to the couch and said, "No it cant be, this is not the way its suppose to be." But there was no changing what had just escaped their lips and now hung heavily in the room. Once they saw I would be "okay", which still makes me laugh because their idea of "okay" and mine were not the same.

The two men left and I sat there, shaking my head. What now, what do I do? As soon as that thought came to mind my phone began to ring. It was the Rear D commander and the Battalion Commander's wife. They wanted to come over but were with another wife that had just gotten the same damn news. Then I realized that Chris was not alone, OMG who was with him, did I know them, how many wives, mothers, fathers, kids would this effect? My heart sank and I wasn't sure how much lower it could go without seeping out the bottoms of my feet.  I was told about Maj. William Hecker but the other families had not been notified yet. My heart ached, I wanted to run to them tell them no you cant make them feel this way its not fair, but I sat there as more tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks settling on the front of my shirt. These poor families what were they going to think, how would they feel, what would be there reactions? How could this be real?

The next thing I clearly remember was the damn doorbell ringing endlessly and I hated it, I hated that damn bell I wanted to rip it out!! Then the knocks and the knocks to this day send cold shivers down my spine. I hate people to knock at my door.  Flowers began to arrive, and all I could think was "How how did they know and not me?" But soon I found out it was from Command and those involved in the notification from Chris' unit.  My phone began to ring and it seemed so loud it hurt my ears.  I reached for the phone and for a split second hoped it was Chris. Tears began to flow again and Karey started to answer the calls. I sat there at my dinning room table, then getting up and pacing but I don't remember much more.

My next thought or memory of that day is who was going to notify his Mom, and oh my god his Dad is not home he is in D.C who will tell him? And then there was his sister, no one would notify her so it was my job, my duty to do so. I needed them to hear it from me. So I called Lisa first. I told her what I couldn't even believe was coming out of my mouth nevertheless that it was real. She started to scream "NO!!!" at the top of her lungs, she called me a "f*cking liar" and hung up. I sat there not knowing what to do, how could I have just shattered someones whole world like that? It wasn't fair of me. I composed myself again and slowly dialed his Dad's number, its was ringing....Oh My God it was ringing...whew voicemail. In my clearest most non startling voice I said "Hey Paul its Deb, can you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks talk to you soon. Love you".  I have no idea how much longer it was but he called back and I slowly let the words leak out of my mouth again. He sat there, then "Oh God please no, please no, really, are you sure?" I began to cry and told him about Lisa and that I didn't know what to do. He said not to worry he would call her and check on Chris' Mom too. I said "thank you and I love you" in a very teary, shaky voice. We hung up and then it hit me, I still had to tell MY family.   I called my Dad and he was speechless. What could he say. I called my brother Peter's wife and told her and she just sobbed. Peter called me soon after and I was at a loss for words for him they just didn't come to me.  My brother David called and the same thing, had no idea what to say. Peter and Meg flew out to Texas that night and I'm not sure if it was a comfort or not.

By midday I was exhausted but sleep would not come. There was too much on my mind. I didn't feel anything. I was numb, the kind of numb that once it sets in you don't remember things until yrs later. The accounts in this blog only started coming back to me little by little last year, three years later. Some of it just recently.  That night I had told the same mind boggling, body numbing story over and over to the point that I thought I was just telling someone else's story. I was not in denial, but more just not there at all. I sat on the floor with a beer between my legs, not knowing who fed or bathed my kids, who took the dog out, who made dinner, didn't care, couldn't think about it.  I sat there surrounded by our friends, and as I looked at each of their faces I saw the pain, I saw the heartache and as much as they tired to hide it, they couldn't. They told stories about Chris, laughed at how silly he was, but the laughter was surrounded by the tears they were holding back. I looked up and I just said with tears filling my eyes, "This cant be real, it just cant be."  The looks on their faces were all I needed to know that this room was filled with those who loved him and in their own ways felt the pain that was racing through my veins.

As we sat there telling stories another stupid knock at the door, I looked up and saw the shiny gold buttons, and knew I was about to meet my CAO. Karey opened the door and he said "Mrs. Petty?" Karey laughed and said, "No that's her.." He walked over to me and sat next to me, looking at me he said, "There are no words a stranger like me can possibly say but I'm sorry just the same for your loss and I will do whatever I can to help you through some of this." Hey at least he was an honest green bean wearing CAO!  I came to hate that uniform I might add.  He told me we had some things to discuss and I said it can wait. He gave me an envelope and I put it down, he made it clear I needed to put that away safely. So I got up put in on my desk and came back to sit on the floor with my beer in hand, which was now luke-warm. Somehow, though; new cold ones kept showing up in my hand.  He sat there on the couch listening to the stories, really listening to them. I looked at him a few times and noticed tears, not the kind that run down but the manly ones that seem to linger in the eyes until they dry up again.  He looked at me and smiled. I will never forget that smile. It was heartfelt and real. He didn't know Chris but the love, friendship, honor, that he felt in the room he did understand and I believe that made it real for him. Everyone kept telling stories, some I knew some I didn't. I laughed a painful laugh but a genuine one just the same.

People brought food, lots of food. I'm not sure but I suppose they thought I had an army to feed. But it was nice to not worry about where the food would come from. Flowers, oh my god the flowers were awful, it was like a funeral home in my house. And the "cat piss" flowers were so gross. Yes "cat piss' flowers, they are the starlight Lillis and I hate them they stink! :) My house was filled from wall to wall and I couldn't get away from the smell. It made me sick and so I asked Karey to remove all the "cat piss" flowers, and she did. There were cards, messages, emails and just the love was overwhelming.

Two things that I do remember are being so worried that the flag outside was all tattered and that was not a flag to have for a fallen hero. So my friend Tara brought a new one for me and Scott, my CAO hung it for me, or at least I think it was him, huh maybe not. The other was the few pictures I had of Chris and the boys the night they deployed, they had to be framed that day and in the house. Karey made sure they were done it wasn't even another thought for her. Without my close friends, that day would have been a complete disaster for my kids, dog, me... Tim, who hates to take the trash out, took it out for me and I remember saying, "Wow that's all it takes is my husband dying to get you to do that?!?" He laughed and took it out shaking his head. Karey got the mail...but hid it from me, there was a letter from Chris in it. I didn't find that until after the funeral.

After everyone was gone and I was back in my room, alone; I sat down at my computer I had to document what the day was for the boys. I had to write down my feelings, how it all happened, who came to be with us and the stories. I took a deep breath as I am now and wrote it all down. The words seemed so unreal, not mine, as if I was writing a novel, a fictional story about what it might be like to be notified. But I did it, wrote it all down. I go back now to read it and it sparks memories that I didn't know I had.  It was good to do even if I felt like it was not my life, my story I'm still glad I did.

My brother and his wife arrived at midnight after getting lost on the back roads of  Texas but to be honest I was exhausted I don't remember the rest past that time.  They left for their hotel and the next thing I knew or remember is....

Waking up the next morning and thinking it was all a dream. BUT then, I walked into the flower covered living room and knew it wasn't....I just stood there, looking as the tears rushed down my face and I began to sob, sitting on the hard tile floor, face in my hands and rocking back and forth I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. ...