Six Years and Six Days Later (Written Sept. 17, 2007)

I guess a lot of people would consider this blog to be written a little late, even by my standards... yes, I know I have a problem with punctuality. But actually, it isn't. I had decided to not write anything about September 11, 2001, mainly because it has become very personal to me since I consider my husband's death to be linked to that event. I am not really sure that America feels that way since so many people seem to want to make Iraq a separate event from 9/11 and Afghanistan. But here it is a week later, and I am still thinking about how I feel and what my thoughts are... So here goes. My random thoughts and feelings about what we now call Patriot Day.

Sept. 11, 2001 was an odd day for me. Almost upside down. I woke up very late that morning to the phone ringing. First, back then, I NEVER slept past 7:30am and was typically up around 7. My body was on it's own internal clock back then (very unlike now). Second, it was my sister on the phone calling to tell me to cut on my tv to the news, which NEVER happens. I am the one who is always calling her and telling her what I saw on the news since I was a news junkie back then (very unlike now). I cut on the tv and the world had changed. I am not sure how else to describe it. But from that moment, life was upside down and it was unknown. What was going to happen next? For those of us who were part of the military family back then, life has simply NOT been the same since. I have never cried about that day though. I have been angry, confused, lost, and scared (what army spouse was not?!), but I never shed a tear. Not until last week.

As I was on my way to the AFAP Conference, a recording came on. It started with TAPS which should make ANYONE associated with the military tear up or at least get a lump in their throat. Then it went into a lot of different sound bites from that day- people who were there and witnessed the towers coming down, people looking for loved ones, news reporters, and the President. It was not anything that I had not heard before (like every 9/11 since the attack). Suddenly, I found myself crying. It was the first time in a long time that I had cried for something that wasn't about Bryant, and I was surprised I was doing it. I am not really even sure that I understand exactly why I was crying, except that maybe, I realized in that moment, how overwhelming that event was for us and our country. I also realized how much we have forgotten. How much we have moved on.

Two Thousand Nine Hundred Seventy-Four. That is how many people died that day. One Hundred Eighty-Four at the Pentagon. Fourty in Pennsylvania on Flight 93. Two Thousand Four Hundred Seven in the World Trade Center. Three Hundred Forty-Three Firemen and Paramedics. Many more have become sick and died due to respiratory disease from being at Ground Zero for so long after the attack. More will follow.

I know that there will be some people out there who will disagree with this statement, but I was watching Oprah's show about the Children of 9/11 and she opened the show by saying that these people sacrificed their lives. Outside of the firemen, paramedics, and other emergency personnel, I do not believe that the anyone else sacrificed their life that day (ok, technically, the terrorists did too, but I try to not waste my brain space on them). What did they give their lives for? That is what sacrifice means... They did not give their lives for anything and while it may be HARSH to hear, the deaths of those victims were meaningless. There is no sane reason for these people to have died! Every single one of those victims went to work that day with no thought of dying. They were not heroes. They were simply going to work and going about their daily routines and living their lives like all the rest of us do everyday. They were innocent people whose lives were taken, ripped violently away! They were murdered. It was an act of war upon us. US! I think that it is wrong for us to label these people as heroes who sacrificed because it separates them from us. They were innocent victims of a heinous terrorist attack. This does not mean there were not many heroic acts after the attacks occurred. I simply feel that when we use words like "sacrificed" and "heroes" it makes it easier for us to distance the victims from ourselves, when, in fact, THEY ARE US. In the mind of the killers, their hatred is as pure for me as it is for anyone who died that day. We have forgotten that. No individual person was targeted. Americans were targeted. You and Me.

Afghanistan... (and we call Korea "The Forgotten War"!) How disgusting is it that this country would rather hear about Britney Spears rather than what is happening in Afghanistan! What does that say about us and our culture?! But it is so far away from here! I think we found out on 9/11 that the world is not a very large place anymore. Afghanistan is not so far away that the terrorists were deterred from coming here to attack us. The Atlantic and the Pacific are no longer secure borders that seperate us from the rest of the world. With our very open borders, we are a very vulnerable country. I do not have a problem with people coming across our borders to work or find a better life. If I was in their shoes, I would probably try to do the exact same thing. But how do we allow our borders to remain so open and HOPE that one of those people coming across is not another radical fundamentalist?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (continuation)

Well it is now 6 years and 9 days later. When I was writing before, I guess this is where I really did not want to go... Bryant. Bryant and the 4000+ soldiers who have died in the War on Terrorism. Not the War in Iraq or Afghanistan because that is not what this is. Maybe there was no link between Saddam and 9-11, but there is definitely a link between Saddam and terrorism. There were terrorist training camps in Iraq. Al-Quaeda is definitely in Iraq now and have been for a good while. Saddam and his family, especially his sons, were evil personified. Were you aware that the Baath Party (Saddam's political party) was originally a fascist party that was patterned after Hitler's Nazis? HMMMMM.... No, there were no WMDs (none we were told about) and we did not go in to save the Iraqi people. Other countries pose those same threats (Iran, North Korea come to mind). Oil was the deciding factor. We all know this. That is something that is very hard for us to admit... not that we went in for oil, but that we went in because we are soooo dependant on oil. We, you and me, need that oil! But that is a whole other rant... But still, the terrorists are there now.

After the attacks, so many people joined the military. An America united, for a short time. For those of us who were in the military prior, I think that we are still looking for a "new normal" or whatever the hell that is suppose to mean. Cynically, I think that with the death of Bryant, my life is more normal than other military families. I no longer have the fear or the anxiety that comes with each deployment. I no longer have to play the waiting game... when will they be put on the list, when will they leave, when will they be able to contact family, when will he IM... I no longer wait for answers because I no longer ask the questions and I wish that I did. But still, as I sit on the outside edge, I am still affected. It is only recently, that our parking lots at the commissaries and PX's have been opened up inside the concrete barricades. I will be surprised if our military bases will ever be open bases again... at least within my lifetime. The military now has a whole new set of acronyms we are now familiar with, such as TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) or CAC (Casualty Assistance Center) or OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) or even the ACUs. PTSD is as common a word as the flu. Divorce is as common as a cold. We drive past certain areas on base and see the memorials to our FALLEN... or we avoid driving there if we can because it is just too painful. We were recently reminded of how we are targets when the plot to attack Ft. Dix was uncovered.

So 6 years and 9 days later... Everything changed for the families of those that died that day. For the military, so much is still changing, everyday as we pretend that things are "normal". For the rest of America (outside of a small few), life is normal again. Isn't it.

I know this blog is not so easy to follow... my train of thought is not so easy to follow either. I apologize for that. I can only say that while my random thoughts on this subject are jumbled and confusing, my feelings are not. What I know for sure is that I am still angry; that every soldier that has died in combat since then, died in a war that started on that day; that if we pull out now, we leave behind a burning powder keg that will most likely be as destructive to the world as 9-11 was to our country; that we are lying if we think any different; and, that less than 5% of this country really and truly cares... because it does not affect them at all.

Call me cynical, if it makes you feel better, but you cannot say that I am not telling the truth.

Happy Patriot Day (as our children get to go and sing around the flag pole)!

The Journey of 9/11

As I woke up this morning today's date weighed heavily on my mind. I thought about where I was eight years ago, how I felt and who was in my life. As I lay there contemplating my day and a single tear made its way down my cheek and settled next to my ear on the pillow, the same place so many have fallen for Chris. I lay there and thought about so many things that my head started to spin. 

I was in Texas, Chris was stationed at Ft. Hood. He was still up at Ft. Leavenworth finishing the CCC, Captains Career Course. I was still painting and our household goods had just arrived a few days prior. My phone rang at 8:50 and it was my best friend Chelle, she said "I know its cleaning day and you usually listen to John Mellencamp so I know the TV is not on, but you need to turn it on". I asked her why and she said, "Just turn it on Deb"... so I did. There I sat watching this tower bellow in smoke and couldnt wrap my brain around what I was seeing and then all of a sudden there it was happening again, but I thought they were just showing what had already happened. The news anchor came on in the back ground and said, "Oh My God another plane has hit the other tower, this is unreal is it a mistake what is going on?" It didnt even cross anyone's mind at that point that it could possibly be something deliberate. As I sat there with my mouth open I somehow managed to pick up my cell phone and call Tara who was at work. I asked her if she had seen the news and she said they were watching now. There was nothing more to say at that point and we just sat quietly on the phone, both of us with similar looks on our faces and watched. Finally Tara said, "Im going to call my Mom Ill call you back." I tried desperately to get in touch with Chris with no luck, he was in class. I couldnt find his Mom either. I called and called frantic to make sure I knew where all my loved ones where, knowing full well they were nowhere near this, but when fear grips your heart rational thinking goes out the door.

As I sat there glued to the TV as all Americans were, the story started to unfold. The next plane hit the Pentagon, then the plane went down in PA. It was obvious at that time, this was not an accident and we were under attack. But why, who would do this? And as I sat there, fear gripped, heart pounding and tears streaming down my face I thought, "Oh God, this means a war, this means fighting back to protect America and our freedoms.....Oh God this mean Chris will go to war!!!" My heart tightened and I couldnt breathe. Every breath was painful, every breath was harder than the one before. My phone rang and I jumped, it was Chris. He said, "Honey have you seen?" I said through tears, "yes". He asked what was wrong and I told him....there was silence for a moment which seemed as hours had passed and he said in a low somber voice, "Yes, it does mean war and it does mean me going, but that is what I train for, that is who I am...do you understand?" Again in a low tear filled voice I said, "Yes of course I do, just doesnt make it easier." We talked for a little bit, Chris trying to reassure me it would all be okay, as he always did.

That night Tara and I sat glued to the TV. Like all Americans trying to wrap our brains around what was happening, trying to gather all the information we could to make heads or tails of what this meant.

Flash forward eight years.....

It seems for me that every year 9/11 becomes more intense. The years that Chris was still alive this day was always remembered with a flag flying (as it does everyday), with a moment of silence between us and talking about what it meant and how we felt that day. Since his death, this day is just as if someone reaches in grabs my heart and rips it out...again! I think about the families that were effected, now knowing the full depths of their pain. I think of the children, knowing now what it does first hand and imagining all those little faces as they were told that their mother or father had been killed. I see Oliver's little face and the complete but controlled devisatation that hit and changed his face forever. I think about all those who ran in pure terror, those who ran towads the terror to help, those who died helping...those who stood so close to where our country was attacked. I think about the heroes on the plane in PA, those last phone calls to family, those last minutes knowing those were their last minutes. Those at the Pentagon, just taken out like they were in a video game. No choice in the matter no chance to fight back, just gone in the blink of an eye. And then I think of America, those watching from so far, helpless, horrified and in shock.

Now, we look back and realize that 9/11 was not just a day that happened, it was a day that became in that instance our history. It became a very sad part of who we are, and defined and changed how we live our lives. Its a day that happened within our lifetime, its not something I read in a history book its my history, its the beginning of a chapter that has created so many novels on this time in our lives. This is what makes our history, this as awful as it was is what made us stand up and take notice. With that single moment in time America swelled with pride, swelled with patriotism. We decided that this was not okay that the Greatest Nation was not going to stand for this. We hung our flags, we helped our neighbors, we donated to charities to help those affected. We did what we always do as Americans, we ban together as brothers and sisters and show those who attacked us that they did not break us...they made us stronger. This is why, although I am not a born American I am so very proud to be an AMERICAN!!! I was not an American on this day eight years ago, not legally but my heart and soul were and will be forever.

Today, eight years ago did not just change those who were in New York City, it changed an entire nation. It ultered our history and it ultered over 5,000 men and women who answered the call of duty. The men and women who went to fight back to protect us. And no matter what your political views and beliefs are on 9/11 and this war, that is the bottom line. Many lives have been lost for our freedom, many lives have been ultered and changed forever and it was not in vien. Those lives lost that day and the lives since were not lost in vien....

I hope that today every American will look back remember where they were, who they were with, and how its changed their lives. For those of us who have lost to this war, today is a double whammy as we remember the terror of 9/11 and remember that that was the begining to where our journey is now, for those attacks is what drove our men and women into battle, and lead us to feel the same loss, pain and walk the same journey as all those families eight years ago.

For all the families of 9/11 you are not forgotten, you and your sacrifice will never be forgotten. As I think of you often and as I look in my children's eyes I finally understand what you must have seen that day and for everyday after. For all my widsters no words can express to you how grateful I am that you are in my lives that we share such an amazing bond that started with the most incredilbe men ever, who faught and died to protect us, I love each of you as family. For my Gold Star Families, you are in my heart everyday, your loss of a child is something I can comprehend, but the pain is. Today is a day that touches so many. May that feeling carry on beyond today into everday life.

Remembering September 11, 2001...today and everyday.