Broken Wings...

A Poem…Broken Wings…

They are not tied, they are broken.
They lay so still, they do not open.

They ache to feel the wind benethe them, they long
To stretch , to fly to soar.
So long they sat still, not wanting to move,
not wanting to feel not wanting the pain.
Will they ever soar again, will they ever fly?
Will my wings mend? Will they feel the wind?

They are healing, they are opening, they are stretching
They are painful no longer, they are ready to soar!
I spread my wings, I feel their power, I feel their strength
I feel the wind benethe them!
I take flight, I soar, I see that I am broken no more!
My wings will hold me, my wings will guide me my wings
Will be ….ME! 

Do you see ME or do you see....

Do you see….ME? 


Do you see me, or do you just see the 
Title I was handed but did not want? 

The one that screams WIDOW!!!! 

Do you see my heart, or do you just see the 
Shattered and scattered pieces? The ones 
That I work so hard to put back together, do you see that? 

Or do you just see the WIDOW? 

Do you see my strength, or do you just see failure? 
Do you pitty me because you think my life is so hard? 
Do you think that I have done enough or still have far to travel? 

Or do you just see the WIDOW? 

Would you give me a chance or walk away? 
Would you be strong enough to be with me, would you be? 
Or would you love me from a distance... 
Never giving me the chance, to possibly love you too? 

Would you ever...could you ever see me or... 
Do you see just a widow? 

My Rearview Mirror (Looking back on the second yr)

 My Rearview Mirror (Looking back on the second year) 

As I sit here just 3 and a half months into my third year I have been forced by myself to take a long hard look back to the last year. Some things I can say I am proud of, some ...well...not so much, but all of them are a part of my journey and a part that had to happen for me to be where I am now. Here is view and outlook on the second year... 

Those around us that have never been in our shoes have the great advantage of thinking they know everything. Thinking they know where we should be in "the healing process", however if they had ever been in our shoes they would know that "the healing process" is a long lifetime full of ups and downs. I have had my fair share of friends and family judging me for where I am or am not in the process. And at times I thought they were right and wondered myself why it was that I was not better than I was, at other times was angry because I thought I was doing pretty damn well. Well taking the time to look back, read my journals and blogs over the last year and talk to some very honest and wonderful friends, I have now found out exactly how rough the second year really was. 

For me the second year, as I was living it; was much much easier in my head at that time, in real life and looking back now it was much harder. The obvious of this is the lifting of the "widow fog", becoming very well aware of my situation and turning into a blubbering idiot at the drop of a hat. With this also came the desperate need to numb the pain. There are many that will not admit they turned to some sort of substance to aid in this quest, however I can say with pride that not only did I do this; but I no longer need it either. I drank to numb the pain, and it was not during the day, it was not everyday; but I did drink to numb the pain. At the time did I know this was happening, oh hell no. Denial? Most likely but until recently I did not know how bad I really was. Then there was the full blown anger, wow was I a very angry person inside. Not much of this anger ever was shown to others and I suppose that is why some thought I was doing so well, they just never saw all my pain. I was angry at Chris, his Commander, some of his friends and not until I took this journey of healing to the next level did I realize how angry I was at myself. For the most part the second year for me, was just spent with the hope that no one would talk to me or notice me. That my phone would stop ringing and everyone would just stop giving a damn about me. 

I went through the motions to get through that second year, that did not change from the first year. I did what it took to get through the day and as night fell and the depression set it I would get online and turn to those who knew what I was going through the best. Most of those people were from the Gold Star Wives online chat and although I do not belong to it anymore, at the time they were a great help to me. It was an outlet to get it off my chest, an outlet I thought was helping but looking back now was just enabling me to hold onto all the pain and anger. I had other friends online too, some were there with Chris and some just knew him. They were an outlet for me too but still a crutch that enabled me to drink alone and not face, although talking still about the pain. 

Now in my third year something happened, a window to a beautiful blue skied, sunny spring day opened. I started to feel better about me. I started to want to live life again. I wanted to be the person I was before this all happened to me. Now I fully understand that being that person pretty much died with Chris but there was a part of me that knew the person I was when I was happy and content with life was still in there. As I started to make small adjustments in my life to change it, I started to really see things I had been missing out on. My kids were growing up as I was going through the motions. My ass had spread to basically cover the entire chair that I planted it in every night to chat online and the person in the mirror was this sad pathetic girl that just wanted to hide. And lord only know what had been spuing from my mouth on those late drunken nights and the funniest part of this I now know some of it and wonder what the hell I was thinking! But I began to lose weight which made me feel great about myself and with that came a new found confidence to face what I had created in my life......a disaster. 

Oh the things I did and said in that second year are at times astonishing to me, but would I change any of them if I could, no! I believe that was a right of passage, something I had to go through in order to get to where I am today...just three months into my third year. I believe that without my second year starring my many disasters I would not be where I am today. I have taken steps to change who I am for the positive, does that mean I don't still miss the hell out of Chris every day? Of course not but now I can think of him and not burst into tears, or turn to a bottle for comfort but mostly I have found out who I am and like who I am. I am a strong person, one who strives every day to make sure Chris' memory stays alive in the boys as well as his family and friends, but its not a struggle any longer its just a part of who I am. I am a person who now looks in the mirror and sees me, a thinner version of me; thank god but one that I recognize and am learning to not only like again but love again and mostly be proud of again. I smile all the time now and it not a mask as it was a year ago, its real happiness behind my smile. My smile makes others smile now too, and makes them wonder what I'm up to. I enjoy life again, living it not just going through the motions. And its a kick ass feeling too!! 

Do I still have my down days, of course; I lost the love of my life after all, but its not as hard to get back up from those days and they are not half as devastating to me either. And speaking of love, do I look forward to finding a new one, yes! Does it scare me, oh hell yeah but if its meant to be it will be. But the important thing in that area now, is that I am open to a new love but a different love, because there is no one like Chris and there shouldn't be either! 

The second year was spent trying to find a way to live with this and after a year of failing I decided to make a change one that has proven to be the right one. I hope by sharing my thoughts on the second year for me, it will help someone else on here to see that what they are going through is okay and given time you will move through this too and come to a time where you make the same decision I did and I hope that you will look back on this and make the right one for you! 

My Mirror Image...

My Mirror Image. 

Just a glimps , but I see her, could it be? That girl that was happy, 
content and living her life? 

The girl that could make anyone smile, the girl that could break a heart with a look? 
the girl that knew her own power? 

Yes, there she is, the one that smiles, the one that cares the ones that laughs. 
There she is the one that is proud of her life! 
The one that loves herself and likes the woman she is today. 

There I am, I can see me. Im there smiling back at me. 
Im there loving how far I have traveled and the person I have become. 

Its me, the one you laughed with, the one who stole your heart, 
the one that made you feel like you could reach for the stars. 

Im back, Im here now its my turn to touch those stars. 
Hold my hand, let me lead you down my path, lets touch the stars together. 
Lets make new memories, as wonderful as the old. But better for the future. 

Let me now be ME! 
But with you at my side.

Ask most Americans what Veteran's Day means to them and its a day off, a day to BBQ, a day to be with family. And although that is all wonderful and special the real meaning of what this day represents eludes most people.

The meaning and importance of Veteran's Day has changed for me over the last 20 years. I will admit that when I was a kid, I did not know what the meaning of this day was all about; Im not sure I payed attention even in college. For me, like most Americans it was a day off school nothing more as this day was never made to be a big deal in school either. This day was just another day.

Then I met Chris, one of the most patriotic men I have ever known. His family comes from a long line of service members, ALL...Veterans. One Veteran's Day I was blessed enough to be in Chris' grandfather's house and he was sharing stories with Chris, which from my understanding he did not do often. He was telling Chris about WWII and Chris' Dad being born, him not seeing him until he was almost 4. And at that moment I was able to put a real face to a Veteran, a man who had given up and missed out on so much so he could do the honorable thing and serve his country, a Veteran that would soon be my family too. I had never had that before so I sat there listening to this sweet, kind and gentle man share his stories with his grandson about the way the army and war was back when he served. Chris and I would soon be going to Ft. Sill, OK and then Ft. Hood, TX both places of which his grandfather had been stationed. Back then it was Camp Hood and there was no town surrounding it at all. He told us stories for a long time and I till carry them with me, as Chris did too.

Since that Veteran's Day, I have always looked at Veterans with so much love and compassion. Veterans are not just men and women willing to serve our country, to bare arms against the enemy or serve in peace times. Veterans are men and women who are willing to give up their lives as they know it to serve. They are willing to miss out on anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and family time. They miss out on their children's first steps, first words, graduations, first dates, all the important stuff that is so much a part of what our families are. They miss out on deaths, memorials and the chance to say "Goodbye" to their loved ones. Veterans are not just soldiers that hold weapons and fought when told to like robots, these are family men and women, they are caring, loving, passionate and patriotic heroes all wrapped into one amazing being. Veterans are why we speak the language we do, why we can still fly our flags, why we still have the right to the 1st Amendment, and they are the reason why we should be seeking them out to THANK them this Veterans Day.

This year, seek out a Veteran. If you are near Ft. Hood find those men and women...those boys and shake their hands, salute them and let them know how much you appreciate them and are proud of them. If you are near any other post or base, do the same; that is a given easy chance to do the right thing and thank a Veteran. If you are not near a post or base, go to Applebees or Golden Corral, they are offering a free meal to our Veterans/Service Men and women, pay for your meal that will pay for theirs and then THANK them! Take the time to show your children that THIS is what Veterans Day is all about! The pride, the love, the support and the gratitude for and in our Veterans.

I am blessed to have so many amazing Men and Women in my life that are Veterans, that stood up and took the call to duty. My husband was one of them, my sisters husbands are many many others. But beyond that there are many in my life such as Michael, my amazing boyfriend who served 21yrs in the Navy (okay wrong branch but Ill forgive him), my wonderful friends David, Tom, Sean, Stephen, Michael, 1-15 FA Illum group, CSM King all the guys that served with Chris, Hecker, White, Perez and Morales, all who perished that same day. Chris' grandfather who is the sweetest man I have ever met, Chris' Uncles, for Lisa Hackett's father and grandfather, and all my Army Wives Friends who's husbands are still serving so proudly....I THANK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!! I thank you for giving my children a safer place, for giving me the freedoms that I do not take for granted. I thank you for being brave enough to serve our country. Today and all days, I honor you, am proud of you and so very proud to be an AMERICAN!

Thank you my military family...thank you!

"Love Happens"

My unexpected journey with this movie:


The other night I wanted to just curl up and watch a love story. Something to take me away, take my mind of being sick and the incredibly lonely feeling Ive had lately. I wanted to escape to another time, another world, another life. So I flipped throught the channels...nothing. How is it that I have over 200 channels and there was nothing on that I wanted to watch? Its the same phenom of opening a frig full of food yet there is nothing in there you want to eat. Anyway I digress, I then went to the On Demand list and found "Love Happens" with Jennifer Aniston and I remember wanting to see it. Thinking it was an ushy gushy love story I picked it. 3.99 later, hot tea and my warm bed I was ready to go.


This movie took me on an unexpected journey that just stole my attention from the mintue it started. With all that I will write in here, it wont even touch on the feelings that you get from watching this movie. I sat there warm tea in hand and just had tears pouring down my face. Good tears, cleansing tears, tears that allowed me to feel alive and well again. And that may sound odd to most but I do know that with each word I type, my widsters will understand fully what I am trying to convey.


The movie is about a gentleman who is in essance a motivational speaker on grief. You see this guy who has written this book on how to grieve. A book that is based on his own journey. Its been three and a half years for him since his wife died, he is a widower. The difference in perspective was wonderful as you see that this pain and longing and anger crosses time and gender alike. It made me realize that its not just because we are all crazy emotional females that we feel this way at all. Now I know this is not a true story or was not stated it was but whom ever wrote this has either been through this themselves or knows someone they are very close to that has. The emotions are just too real for it not to be. The motivational speaker lost his wife in a car accident. The pain he feels from that is conveyed with so much feeling and love. The internal battle he fights is what we all go through.


You learn that this character, the motivational speaker has a tour with his book where he has groups of people that come to his workshops on grief. He helps them move through the different stanges of grief and reach a point where they are okay feeling what they need to feel to move forward and through their own journey. You come to find out that he threw himself into this project without going through the very steps that he says are essential to the grieving process. Through this he meets Jennifer Aniston's character and finds her to be a light he has been missing for so long, but he is torn as he knows he has not gone through what he needs to to take this next step.


This movie took me on an emotional roller coaster. I found myself sitting there screaming in my mind, "you cant love her you have not faced your own fears" and then just sitting there waiting for him to do something about it. With each step he took I remember the steps in my own life that were similar. I felt what he was feeling and I wanted so badly to reach out to him knowing I had been there and felt that too. There is a part when he does something that his wife asked of him if anything should ever happen to her and when he was doing that, I just sat there with my breath held; watching and as he did this I sighed a huge relief and then that is when I first felt the tear roll down my cheeck. And for a moment I thought "wow we have all in some way, in our own way let a part of who that person was and who we were go" that was amazing to me. And the things that happened in the movie itself were not the same as what has happened to us as widows, but the idea and the feelings were all there and intense.


The complete emotional circle that comes forth in this movie touched me. I sat there with tears still rolling down my face and thought, "holy cow I didnt see that one coming!" But I am so happy that I watched it. It's stayed with me and so I had to write about it. Its not overly emotional but for those of us who have rowed these waters in our own little boats you will truly understand and appreciate this moive.


I hightly recommend this movie. Its almost a flashback to what we have all felt at some point. And just the way it makes the "normal" for us so much more normal and the love he finds just so hopeful and wonderful that its a must see. But I will worn you if you look this movie up it was given awful reviews and I almost did not pick it due to that.....


That is my two thumbs up widster movie review for the week! :)