Who Pissed in My Lucky Charms?

This was written June 1, 2008.  If you know a widow and she is just a little bit aggravated this time of the year... give her just a little slack.  Trust me.  She's allowed.
LaNita
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May is finally over. THANK YOU GOD! For obvious reasons, April and May are NOT my favorite months at all. Too many bad memories and too many bad reminders. I have to say that this year was very hard. I would have thought that it would get easier with time, but I am feeling as if this one was the worst. Maybe it is because I am in the moment. I just know that what I have been feeling over the past 6 weeks sucks. It has built up and just gotten worse.

I am on a yahoo surviving spouse group and there was a lot going on with discussion this past week. Typically, I am one of the women that chimes in often (have I mentioned that I am opinionated). I replied to a lot of the discussion this week but never sent them because my replies were very negative and very pissy. You know it is bad when even you know you are being pissy for no reason! Needless to say I have been quite the anti-social, stop aggravating me, bitch the past few days.

I hope I can get through this funk I am in. I don't know if I have finally hit the anger stage of grief or if I am just dreading the fact that our unit leaves in less than 2 weeks. Yes... for Iraq. (happyhappyjoyjoy). Something is just different with me and I feel very lost. Not the sad sort of lost that I have been feeling since Bryant's death, but the sort of lost where I feel I no longer control my life. My house looks like a tornado hit it and I am so uncomfortable here. I have become very good at not "seeing" the messes and going through the motions. The things that have to be done, I force myself to do. The only time I really seem to feel anything is when I let myself cry. I am not interested in anything.

The problem is that I hate being this way. I want the old me back. I want to be organized and anal. I want to have a future that I look forward to and not constantly compare what I do have to what I did because compared to what I had with Bryant, my future will always fall short of happy. I want normal. I want to walk through my house, see something I forgot to do and just do it, not walk through my house a week later and still be saying, "I forgot to do that" again. I want a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want to look outside and say, "It is going to be a beautiful day", but I can't. I look out my window now... the sun's out, my yard is mowed and there is even a NASCAR race today, but it is just another day that I have to live through.
School starts in another week. I am actually dreading it, but it is another thing I have to do. I have to, right? (sigh). Can I just run away? Start over somewhere else? Not be me anymore? No. No one can run from who they are. This is who I am... a woman who lost everything when she lost her husband.

I can't change that and I will never ever see Bryant again. I can't begin to even explain what that is. You can take everything out of my life... my house, all my possessions, even my dogs and I can still live. I'll hurt, but I'll get by. I'll get over it. I'll move on and forget. NOT WITH BRYANT. I don't know how to do this without him. I don't want to do this without him. But I will. People see that as strength. I see it as punishment and I just wish I knew what I did that was so bad that this happened to me.

For those who say that capital punishment is wrong, I personally think it is much more humane that a life sentence...